SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING
don't look
Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital: His wife's been in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and Dr. Smith comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.
"What's happened? How is my wife?"
The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."
"Oh my God" says Mr. Jones.
"Her vital signs are stable, but her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills. This means you will have to feed her."
Mr. Jones begins to sob.
"And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia." Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.
"Then, of course," the doctor continued,"you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and her diapers must be changed at least five times a day."
Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, and wails.
The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincter, Her bowel will engorge quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regulary."
Now Mr. Jones is convulsing, sobbing uncontrollably, beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing, pitiful mass.
Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder.
"Hey man, I'm just **** with you. She's dead."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Having a Baby in San Francisco
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of whom are crying and screaming.
One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the gays' delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.
Isn't it wonderful?" Neil says to Bob. "All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy."
The nurse says, "Oh, sure he's happy now, but just watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of his ass."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. Then the trouble started.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Here's what happens when you try to hijack a truck and miss.
Squished Homie
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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PointerMan
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 55
Loc: Washington, MO
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Man, these are deranged, but strangely enough, they're funny... 
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Life is good!
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Wonder if these would "strangely arouse" Bubba? 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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What do you call a quadrupeligic at the front door?
Mat
What do you call a quadrupeligic on the mantle?
Art
What do you call a quadrupeligic in the swimming pool?
Bob
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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moduckdoc
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 2946
Loc: A porn site
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More squished homies please.
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Freedom it isn't free, but it is worth every drop
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IIFID
Bond....Timmy Bond
Reged: 12/15/05
Posts: 8075
Loc: Nipawin, Saskatchewan
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What do you call a quadrupeligic in a hole?
Phil
What do you call a quadrupeligic in a pile of leaves?
Russell
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Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”
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SierraExplorer
member
Reged: 01/02/06
Posts: 13
Loc: Kalifornia
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2 man, one in Australia and the other in Canada.
One man walks on a thin wire stretched out between two very tall buildings,
the other man gets a blow job from a 90 year old woman.
Both men have the same thing on their mind.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT?
scroll down
for the answer..........
"DON'T LOOK DOWN...........
DON'T LOOK DOWN...........
DON'T LOOK DOWN.............."
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67Firebird
Former political advocate
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 9244
Loc: Russellville, Mo
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That's one homie who'll never try that again.
  
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
Two gay men....... "Isn't it wonderful?" Neil says to Bob.
"Kneel and Bob?"
Bwaaaahaaaaahaaaaaaahaaaaaaaa!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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An American tourist is touring Scotland and stops into a local pub. It's a pleasant kind of place and he enjoys talking to the pub keeper. He also notices an old sad looking Scot sitting at the end of the bar. (It's during the day and in midweek so no one else is around) He moves down and offers to buy the old man a drink. The old Scot perks up and they get talking. Finally, the tourist asks why he seems so sad.
The old Scot (after another single malt Scotch) says: " Young mon, look out that window. Do ye see that long pier for the fishing boats? Well, I built it! Do they call me Angus the harbor builder?"
Angus goes on: " Do ye see that town hall? Well, I built it! Do they call me Angus the town hall builder?"
"But just once I screw a sheep and what do they call me?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
Edited by SwampFox (01/22/06 06:40 AM)
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man walking past a sanitarium hears voices chanting "Twelve, twelve, twelve..." from behind the wooden privacy fence.
Curious, he finds a knothole in the fence, and sticks his eye up to the hole, trying to determine the reason for the chant.
Instantly he is poked in the eye, and as he backs away, hand over the mutilated eye, he hears the chant begin anew: "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen..."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A tourist fisherman from NY is fishing off the Florida coast. His small boat capsizes. Because he is deadly afraid of alligators he clings to the overturned hull.
He spots an old bearded beachcomber on the beach and shouts out: " Hey! Any gators around here?". The beachcomber shouts back: "Nah! No gators around here for years!"
Feeling reassured, the tourist starts swimming slowly towards shore. About halfway to shore he calls out again to the beachcomber: " "What happened to the gators?"
The beachcomber calls back: "The sharks got 'em".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it Is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is That you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth."
Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger. Now learn to pay attention.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Mephisto at the Senior Citizens Center...
"Most hypnotists invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Mephisto withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch... watch the watch... watch the watch ."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the Mephistos fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces .
"Crap", said Mephisto.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man is having a few drinks at a bar when he looks over and notices a drunk guy passed out at a table nearby. The bartender tells him the drunk is Mr. Murphy and asks the man if he could drive Mr. Murphy home. Being a good Samaritan, the man agrees. The bartender writes down the address and gives it to him.
The man walks over and tries to wake Mr. Murphy but Mr. Murphy is groggy and quite drunk. The man helps Mr. Murphy to his feet and Mr. Murphy falls to the floor in a heap.
"Jeez," the man says wondering how anyone could drink so much. He takes Murphy by the arm and practically drags him out to the car. Once there he leans him against the side of his car while he looks for his keys. Mr. Murphy slides down to the ground. The man finds his keys and manages to get Murphy positioned in the car.
He then drives to the address the bartender gave him. He opens the passenger door and helps Mr. Murphy out and the guy falls to the ground. Cursing softly, now, the man helps him to his feet and practically drags him to the front door. He lets go of Mr. Murphy to knock on the door and the guy falls down again. He helps him to his feet as Mrs. Murphy answers the door.
"Hi, Mrs. Murphy, Your husband had a little too much to drink tonight so I gave him a ride home."
"That was nice of you," she says, looking around... "But where's his wheelchair?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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THE OUTHOUSE INCIDENT
Two rednecks, Hank and Jenny Sue went for a walk in the countryside. After a while, Hank had to answer a call of nature. Spying an outhouse, he excused himself.
Jenny Sue waited for Hank...and waited, and waited. Finally, she looked inside and saw Hank stirring around in the outhouse muck with a stick. "Hank, what the hell are you doing, stirring in the **** ?" she yells.
"I dropped my jacket down the hole," he complains. "It's the one my momma gave me."
Jenny Sue shakes her head. "You're crazy ... you're not gonna wear that thing now, are you?"
"Hell no," Hank assures her, "but there's a baloney sandwich in one of the pockets!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Howard was feeling guilty all day long. No matter how he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
Every once in a while he'd hear a soothing voice trying to reassure him - "Howard, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality -"Howard, you're a veterinarian."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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diver731
member
Reged: 12/31/05
Posts: 397
Loc: sharpening the knives
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There sure is some good in all that!
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Yeah I like to shoot greenheads, the ones with cheekspots!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A mortician and his assistant are putting the finishing touches on a local beauty that had passed on.
The assistant says, "Even dead, she's the most beautiful woman in town.
The mortician says, "You might be right, but she has a clit like a pickle."
"What do you mean?" asks the assistant. "Is it large and bumpy?"
"Naw." replies the mortician, "It's sour."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her night stand by the bed.
He begins to worry. Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then!!! ???" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce
and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should
go and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and
she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said
to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow.! "
And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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