Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
|
|
You gotta get it when you can. 
--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
|
Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
|
|
SEX WITH AN OLDER MAN
When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.
Oprah asked, 'Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable.'
George said, 'I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.'
Oprah said, 'I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.'
George said, 'Of course I still do the sex thing and I am quite good at it'
Oprah said, 'I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?'
So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, 'I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man.'
George said, 'The second time is even better than the first time.'
Oprah said, 'You can really do it again at your age?'
George said, 'Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes. '
When she woke him up they again had great sex and Oprah was beside herself with joy. She said, 'Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!'
George said that the third time would be even better. George said, 'You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and call me in thirty minutes.'
Oprah said, 'Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?'
George said, 'No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman, she stole my wallet!'
--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her and tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma; you're looking good! How are they treating you? '
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the grandson, 'They won't let me fart.'
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
|
|
I've often been asked, "what do you old guys do now that you're retired?"
Well, I have a friend who has a chemical background and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, bourbon, wine, and martinis into urine.
And, we're pretty damn good at it!!"
--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
UPON HEARING THAT HER ELDERLY GRANDFATHER HAD JUST PASSED AWAY, SARAH WENT STRAIGHT TO HER GRANDPARENT'S HOUSE TO VISIT HER 95-YEAR-OLD GRANDMOTHER AND COMFORT HER.
WHEN SHE ASKED HOW HER GRANDFATHER HAD DIED, HER GRANDMOTHER REPLIED, 'HE HAD A HEART ATTACK WHILE WE WERE MAKING LOVE ON SUNDAY MORNING.'
HORRIFIED, SARAH TOLD HER GRANDMOTHER THAT 2 PEOPLE NEARLY 100 YEARS OLD HAVING SEX WOULD SURELY BE ASKING FOR TROUBLE.
'OH NO, MY DEAR,' REPLIED GRANNY. 'MANY YEARS AGO, REALIZING OUR ADVANCED AGE, WE FIGURED OUT THE BEST TIME TO DO IT WAS WHEN THE CHURCH BELLS WOULD START TO RING. IT WAS JUST THE RIGHT RHYTHM. NICE AND SLOW AND EVEN... NOTHING TOO STRENUOUS, SIMPLY IN ON THE DING AND OUT ON THE DONG.'
SHE PAUSED TO WIPE A WAY A TEAR, AND CONTINUED, 'HE'D STILL BE ALIVE IF THAT DAMN ICE CREAM TRUCK HADN'T COME ALONG.'!!!!!!
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said. 'I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back.
'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied. Let's see you do it.'
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, 'All right, Dumb A$$, get in.'
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Walking can add minutes to your life
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he is 97 years old and we don't know where he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately, my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
AND
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
An old derilict cuss is hospitalized for some tests after being found unconscious on the city streets.
The morning of the second day of his visit, one of his young nurses aids walks in with a glass jar in her hand.
"Good Morning, Mr. Jones, I need some urine today," she says.
The old man gives her a big toothless grin and winks, "I been wantin some of your'n too but I was afraid to ask."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.
"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Two elderly ladies are sitting together in church.
About half way through the sermon, one leaned and whispered, "Woof ! My butt went to sleep."
The other whispered back, "I know, I heard it snore a couple times."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
SENIORS DRESS CODE
Many of us 'Old Folks' (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves.
We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together And should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Bikini swimsuit and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short short s and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least
13. Thongs and Depends ................CAN YOU JUST PICTURE THIS?
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up,' says the bartender
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma 'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
‘WHERE Is My SUNDAY Paper?’ The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.
‘Ma'am’, said the newspaper employee, ‘today is Saturday ... the Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday.’
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition... As she was heard to mutter 'Well chit... So that's why no one was at church today.'
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around -- in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained a nd scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
|
|
Old Prospector vs. Young Gunslinger...
An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day ... He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.
He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to.'
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'
The lessons from this story are:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old people.
-----------------
I just love a story with a happy ending
--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Dignified Death
From the self-composed obituary in the Casper (Wyo.) Star Tribune of James William "Jim" Adams, who died September 9th: "Jim, who had tired of reading obituaries noting other's [sic] courageous battles with this or that disease, wanted it known that he had lost his battle ... primarily as a result of ... not following doctor's orders. ... He was sadly deprived of his final wish, which was to be run over by a beer truck on the way to the liquor store to buy booze for a date." [Casper Star Tribune, 9-23-08]
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
To make it stand,
You wet it !
To make it wet,
You suck it !
To make it stiff,
You lick it !
To get it in,
You push it!
Damn !!!!!!!
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
'
Threading a needle when you're older is a real biatch!!!!
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
An old fellow was celebrating 92 years on this Earth.
He spoke to his toes.
Hello, toes!' he said. 'How are you, toes? You know,you are 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember we walked in the park in summer every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!'
'Hello, knees,' he continued. 'How are you, knees? You know you're 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday knees!'
Then, he looked down at his crotch. 'Hello Willie! You little bugger, if you were alive today, you'd be 92.
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered?'
And that, my friends, is the sad definition of 'OLD'!
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says:
'Ya know, when I was thirty and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.
By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard.
By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about twenty degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand.'
'So,' says the second drunk, 'what's your point?'
'Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!'
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Life Before the Computer
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress'."
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
