SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray'?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat. About ten minutes later, my client showed up.
We ordered a drink and started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
"Hi, Ray," he said.
I replied, "fork off, Gates, I'm in a meeting."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg.
Hello?
Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?
No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.
After a brief pause, Daddy says, but honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.
Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now.
Brief Pause.
Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.
Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
I did it, Daddy.
And what happened, honey?
Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!
Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?
He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.
*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
Then Daddy says, Swimming pool? ........ Is this 486-5731?
No, I think you have the wrong number.......
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said "Her brother's got a moustache!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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One rainy spring night in Belfast, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure lept into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered.
"Vale Road," answered the woman.
"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?'"
"Well lady," replied the driver, "I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, “Does this answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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There was a cruise ship that was going through some rough waters that ended up sinking just off the coast of a small abandoned island.
There where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl.
They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women.
After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing. She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it.
Well time went by and of course the guys still had their 'needs'. But after a couple of years they began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing so they buried her.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia. He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video - its forking hilarious.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Three people having sex is a Threesome
Two people having sex is a Twosome
So next time someone calls you, "Handsome" don't take it as a compliment!!!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Count Your Blessings
The next time you think you're having a really bad day, imagine this:
You're a Siamese twin. Your brother, attached at your shoulder is gay. You're not.
He has a date coming over tonight.
You only have one ass....
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mac
Birding Moderator
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3379
Loc: The Great State of Nebraskey
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The Funeral
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:
"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied, "Get in line."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKETS OF C0ND0MS PLEASE.
CASHIER: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?
Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY!!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, I now understand why they call you handsome.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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I’m not the best looking guy; some would say I’m a little frayed around the edges these days.
But, I have a nice bike, a little money, and I spend most of my time casually riding from place to place.
I met a nice-looking girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us.
She did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet.
As we lay making love, I thought, “Damn, these Taser guns are really worth the money!”
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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dabs
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 5971272
Loc: New Money, USA
Current High Scores in:
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Jerry Sandusky's favorite musician - Pink Floyd
Favorite line from a Pink Floyd song - You can't have your pudding if I don't eat your meat!
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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Time Saving Cleaning Tip!!
This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.
1. Put both lids of the toilet up. And add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. (You may need to sit on the lid).
4. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds.
5. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
6. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.
7. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
8. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
9. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
10. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely, The Dog
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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I went to the pub last night and saw a fat girl dancing on a table.
I said to her, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely. Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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This fella comes home from work to find his girlfriend packing up all her clothes. Fella looks at his girlfriend and asks...."what's going on???"
Girlfriend turns to him and says "I'm leaving you, I can't stay with you any more"
"Why not?" ask the guy....
Girlfriend says "I just found out you were a Pedophile"..
The guy replies "A Pedophile....wow....That's a mighty big word for a 10 year old"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Ok , it is kinda cute
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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I had to think about that one but with the hairless Filipino boy jokes...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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This morning I stopped in to visit my dyslexic friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You idiot..!
You were supposed to turn your clock back !
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of corktails and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before ~ I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?"
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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