wuchang
spiritual advisor and gatekeeper to the Spirit World
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5281
Loc: uphill
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um...well. I have five penises," replies the man.
"Wow!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
“Like a glove."
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halfasmuch
action hero
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4349
Loc: Upper Oakville
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THIS IS ACTUALLY JUST FOR RED BUT HOKEY ENUF FOR HERE
The trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order with the new waitress.
He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."
The brand new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs, sunny side up; and running boards are two slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, okay!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
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The difference between genius and stupidity
is that genius has its limits.
-Albert Einstein
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Not the worst one recorded on this thread. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Then try this...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Yes , that's about the worst! 
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Awful... 
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.
At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.
Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!".
The other replied, "No, it's not!".
The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.
To which the other man replied, "That's silly, you can't tell a brook by it's clover."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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I am pretty sure you made that one up....
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Some other idiot made it up. 
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
Some other idiot made it up.
Always room for another idiot on here.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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BOO!!!! HISS!!! 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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DjF
little buddie
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 5410
Loc: staring at an empty mailbox...
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a Beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do....Why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,
"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!"
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somewhere between "Hi, how can we help you?" and "Get off my lawn!"
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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A stranger walks into a bar and orders a drink in a high, squeeky voice. The regulars in the bar get to razzing him and as a joke one of them slips outside and paints the dudes horse's balls green. Newcomer downs his drink and goes outside to leave. Moments later he's back in hollering, "Who's the dirty SOB that painted my horse's balls green?". A cowboy about 6 feet 5 inches tall and 250 pounds stands up and says, "I did. What about it?". Squeeky voice takes one look at the guy, gulps, and replies, "I was just going to tell you that I think it's time for another coat of paint".
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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God Bless our Troops!
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IIFID
Bond....Timmy Bond
Reged: 12/15/05
Posts: 8075
Loc: Nipawin, Saskatchewan
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Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on two bar stools.
One of them says to the bartender, “Don’t mind us; we’re just joined at the hip. I’m John, he’s Jim. Two Molson drafts, please.”
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. “Been on holiday yet, lads?”
“Off to England next month,” says John. “We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don’t we, Jim?”
Jim nods.
“Ah, England!” says the bartender. “Wonderful country … the history, the beer, the culture …”
“Nah, we don’t like that British crap,” says John.“Hamburgers and Molson’s, that’s us, eh Jim? Besides, we can’t stand the English – they’re so arrogant and rude.”
“So why keep going back to England?” asks the bartender.
“It’s the only chance Jim ever gets to drive.”
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Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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A friend (well, possibly ex-friend now) told me a story on the way to fishing this week. He stretched it 'way out and made it last, and at the time I wondered where the heck he was going with all this:
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Back in the day, you'll remember that the Brewers weren't Milwaukee's ball team - it was the Braves before they moved to Atlanta.
The Braves had a real, real important game coming up near the end of the 1958 season. They'd split two games with a visiting team (and I can't remember just what team that was), and the outcome of the third and last game would mean a lot to their standing in the League, as they still, just barely, had a shot at the Pennant.
The opposing team's best pitcher was a starter named Mel Famey and his manager had saved him for that last game. But - Mel foolishly let a bunch of the Braves players take him out drinking the night before the game. They got him drunk of course, on purpose, and Famey was dumb enough to let 'em do it.
Next day, he pitched anyway - with a terrible hangover and still half drunk. It was a disaster. Famey walked the first EIGHT batters before he was pulled from the game, and at the end of the first inning the score was 6-0 Braves. His team never overcame that lead, the Braves won the game, and this mistake was a career-ender. The unfortunate pitcher was demoted to the minors, and then within a year he was out of professional baseball.
The team has moved and years have passed, but still today in the Braves offices in Atlanta there's an old steel beer can that was saved from that night, displayed in a glass case along with a sign that says:
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
(wait for it)
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
THIS IS THE BEER THAT MADE MEL FAMEY WALK US.
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Burrhead
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3075
Loc: Just north of Bugtussle
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Both of'em
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Somebody has to walk the point.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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One of my great-grandpas was a full-blooded American Indian. He left the reservation to go to trade school, and he became an electrician. From then on he had plenty of work, because right then, in the early 20th century, all the rural areas of the country were getting electricity.
Still a young man, he returned home for a couple of weeks to visit his folks and the tribal chief asked him for a favor. A single electric line had been run out to the "rez" by the government, but power hadn't been brought to many of the buildings yet - including the public restroom at the tribal headquarters. Would he get some electric lights up and working in there, please?
He did it - and so he became the first guy to ever wire a head for a reservation.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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