foots
the exterminator
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5241
Loc: by my spiritual advisor, Wu
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Quote:
duko said:
Quote:
Ozark said:
Mahatma Gandhi, of course, was very spiritual and he gave up most physical possessions and generally went around barefoot. This caused his feet to become heavily callused.
He didn't eat much so he was quite thin and fragile - and what food he did eat often consisted of oddly-spiced native dishes, so he always had bad breath.
All this of course made him a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
I'm not sure why something so stupid is so damn funny! 
whoever thought of that is probably on medication... 
duko
Or needs to be.
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I was born kicking, screaming, and covered in someone elses blood. I have no problem goin out the same way.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and I noticed a Muslim, sneaking through my next door neighbor's garden.
Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.
He then dug a grave and put the body in it and covered it.
Astonished I got back into bed.
Carol, my lovely wife said, "Baboon you're shaking, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen," I said, "that son of a biatch next door still has my shovel."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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At the special Olympics are there separate parking spaces for normal people?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Texas gas station owner was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up."
Soon Aggie pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The Aggie guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time."
A week later, the same Aggie and his buddy Bubba pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the Aggie said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No, it ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
Edited by SwampFox (09/02/15 11:18 AM)
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Russian and a Norwegian wrestler, Ole, were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal.
Before the final match, the Norwegian wrestling coach came to Ole and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has". Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished."
Ole nodded in acknowledgment.
As the match started, Ole and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing Ole and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the coach buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the coach raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and Ole collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The crowd went crazy. The coach was astounded.
When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
Ole answered, "Vell, I vas ready to give up ven he got me in dat hold, but at da last moment, I opened my eyes and saw dis pair of testicles right in front of my face... I had nuttin' to lose so wid my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit dose babies just as hard as I could."
So the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"
"Vel not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get ven you bite your own nuts!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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wuchang
spiritual advisor and gatekeeper to the Spirit World
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5285
Loc: uphill
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damn.........didn't see that one coming 
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man is walking along one day and he comes upon a ladder. Looking up, he sees that the ladder disappears into the clouds. Curious, he begins to climb. Before long, he is in the clouds. He looks around and sees the most horribly ugly woman he has ever seen in his life. Obese, snaggle-toothed, matted hair... She looks at him, beckons, and says, "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success."
Well, having no intention of doing anything with this woman, the man climbs higher up the ladder. A bit further on, he comes upon a woman slightly less ugly than the woman before. Not attractive, by any means, but not repugnant. "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success", she says.
Again, the man elects to continue his climb. Before long, he comes upon another woman. This one is actually attractive. Not a knock-out, but very pleasing. "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success."
Well, he figures the women keep getting better and better looking as he gets higher and higher. So he decides to continue climbing. A bit farther up is the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen in his life! Miss America beautiful. In a sultry voice she says, "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success."
Well, needless to say he is very tempted. But he just can't imagine what could top this woman, so he decides to climb higher. On the next cloud up is a horrid 500 lb man. You can see the lice in his hair, he stinks, his clothes are ratty...
"Who are you?" our climber asks in horror.
Grinning a toothless grin, the man looks at him and says, "Hi. I'm Cess."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Scared some Jehovah's Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked.
I'm not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
Scared some Jehovah's Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked.
I'm not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
Were you speaking the unknown tongue?
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two storks are sitting in their nest, a father stork and his son. The son is asking his father where his mother went. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy."
"Bringing babies?" the son asked.
"That's right," the father replied. "That's our job."
"Wow! I want to do that!" the son replied.
The next night, it's the father's turn to make deliveries.
"Is Dad delivering babies too?" the son asked.
"That's right," the mother answered. "He's bringing new joy to mommies and daddies."
"I want to do that!" the son replied.
The next day, the father and mother discussed it and decided the son could make a delivery. "We're going to let you try," the father said to his son. "This is what you do. The baby will be wrapped in cloth. Hold the cloth in your beak like this. Then you just deliver it to the proper location. Can you do that?"
"I can!" the son replied. They sent him on his way.
Hours passed and the son still had not come back. The parents were getting worried.
He finally came back. "What took you so long?" the mother asked. "Did you make the delivery?"
"Yes," the son replied. "Sorry I took so long. I was just having some fun scaring college students!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Biker: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Biker: It's not my bike. I stole it.
Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
Biker: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
Biker: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
Biker: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
Biker: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Biker: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
Biker: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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No matter how stupid you feel remember that Little Red Riding Hood couldn't figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn't her grandmother.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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I picked up a hitchhiker last night.
He seemed surprised that I would pick up
a stranger and asked,"Thanks, but why would
you pick me up? How do you know I'm not
a serial Killer?"
I told him the chances were astronomically
against the same car holding two serial killers.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
Edited by SwampFox (06/17/18 11:27 AM)
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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God Bless our Troops!
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67Firebird
Former political advocate
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 9253
Loc: Russellville, Mo
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Supposedly true...
Recently, a female Sheriff's Deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin at the edge of a field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication. The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop.
'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around,' he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, y'know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him. 'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Deputy Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin.'
Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ... 'I said excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? **** ... Is it midnight already?'
The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10.00 and sent on his way.
The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "The best comeback line ever."
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wuchang
spiritual advisor and gatekeeper to the Spirit World
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5285
Loc: uphill
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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It Snowed Last Night.
8:00 am: I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.
Moral:
There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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fish
senior member - literally
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 2464
Loc: Kingdom of Callaway
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half .
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,
'Your house!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man sat in the Dr's office and said, "OK Doc, give it to me straight!"
The Dr said "You have rabies and you only have about three weeks to live."
The man sat quietly a moment, then asked the nurse for a pen and paper.
He started writing and the Dr asked if he was writing out his will.
"No", said the man, "I'm making a list of who I'm going to bite!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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There once was a fellow named Dave
who dug up a dead hookers grave.
She started to smell
and was rotten as hell
but think of the money he saved.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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My cousin just called and asked if I would loan her $300.00 to help her pay her rent.
Those who know me, know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money.
She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the $300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she could be under the same roof as him for his birthday.
I thought about it for a minute and decided to give her the $300.00 because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin and told her to come and get the money. A couple of hours later, I get a call from the Franklin County jail. It was my cousin crying, screaming and asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response...so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Brit, a Frenchman, and an American were sailing and crashed into an island full of cannibals.
The cannibals catch all 3 and tell them they will kill them all, tan their skins, and use their hides to make leather canoes.
To be courteous, the cannibals give all 3 men the choice of how they want to die, and will allow the men to commit suicide.
The Brit goes first and asks for a revolver. Hes provided one, yells out God save the Queen! and shoots himself in the head.
The Frenchman goes next and asks for a French Sabre. He yells Viva Le France! as he runs himself through and falls dead.
The American, in stoic resolve says, Just bring me a fork. The cannibals look at him curiously, but he is given a fork. The American immediately begins stabbing himself furiously with the fork, repeatedly jabbing himself all over. At this point hes bleeding from hundreds of wounds, but hes not dying. Even the cannibals are horrified watching how he is mutilating himself: Finally, the cannibal chief stops him and says, wait, wait, wait - what are you doing? The American just sneers at him, So much for your canoe!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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67Firebird
Former political advocate
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 9253
Loc: Russellville, Mo
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7976
Loc: Mid Mo
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Today is Beltane.
Because of Covid-19 there
will be no dancing around
any ones pole.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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