SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.
Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"
Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."
Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."
"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
A trucker driving down a steep hill and was startled to find a man and woman lying in the center
of the road, making love. He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on the couple.
Realizing that they were not about to get out of the way, he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches away from them.
Getting out of the truck, madder than hell, the driver walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the couple, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell is the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me? You could have been killed!!!!"
The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming! You were the only one with brakes!"
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
halfasmuch
action hero
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4349
Loc: Upper Oakville
|
|
Most everything regards sax startles Redleg/.//
--------------------
The difference between genius and stupidity
is that genius has its limits.
-Albert Einstein
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen.
"Mom?" she asks. "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"
The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with
her privates.
"Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother. So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night.
While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so. Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away.
"What's wrong, honey?" she asked.
He replied, "chit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a date at her parents home. Id scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cork.Lobster. Champagne .
I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"
"No," she replied. "But my mothers not expecting a blow job tonight."
"I said enjoy."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.
"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems" Linda told her friend.
That's amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. We're thinking of going to a sex therapist" said Linda.
"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!" responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"
Several weeks passed and they met for lunch again. "So, how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?"
"Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"
With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.
But doctor," Mary complained, "You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some help? Any help at all?"
"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios..."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Shooting At The Wrong Time!
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he went to see his doctor.
The doctor suggested that the man could solve his problem by startling himself whenever he thought that he was going to ejaculate.
So, the man went directly to a sporting goods store and bought a starter pistol. Then he went home to try the doctor's advice.
When he got home, he found his wife waiting for him on their bed,... naked! So he ripped off his clothes and began making love with her. Eventually, they wound up in the "69" position and then the man felt an enormous urge to ejaculate, so he cranked off a few shots with his new starter pistol.
They next day, he went back to the doctor and reported his results. He said, "It didn't work out for me, Doc! When I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
A college professor in an art class asked his students to sketch a naked man.
As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches, he noticed that one of the young ladies had sketched the man with an erection.
The professor said, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other way."
She replied, "What other way???"
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Every time an Indian walks into the chief's teepee he sees that the chief is masturbating. They finally realize this is a serious problem, so they fix him up with a nice woman, and she starts living with him in his teepee.
One day, one of the Indians walks into to chief's teepee and there's the chief masturbating again.
He says, "Chief, what are you doing? We fix you up with a beautiful woman."
The chief says, "Her arm get tired."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
A man gets up one morning to find his wife already in the kitchen cooking.
He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.
Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
Pass this safety information on to all your buddies!
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
This real good looking babe looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Blue?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath, taste it."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their tits.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
"Come on, what day was I born"?
I said, “Yesterday."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Keith and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll try being a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Keith says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge a hundred dollars. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."
She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a guy pulls up and asks "How much?"
She says, "A hundred dollars."
He replies, "All I got is thirty."
She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Keith and asks. "What now. What can he get for thirty?"
"A hand job," Keith replied. She runs back and tell the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job.
He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops this HUGE willy. She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right back..." She runs back to Keith.
"What's wrong?" he asks.
"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy dollars?"
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
The Man Quiz...
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the dickskin rocket to tuna town.
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.
3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about.
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.
6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
C. A conservative estimate.
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep..."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place...
Evaluating Results:
-If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.
-If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.
-If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU ARE A MAN'S MAN"
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
|
|
 The man's man.
--------------------
God Bless our Troops!
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
The new Royal Baby, George, has already done three of the things on my bucket list.
1. Become a billionaire
2. Meet the Queen
3. Sucked Kate Middleton's Tits
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
Burrhead
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3075
Loc: Just north of Bugtussle
|
|
--------------------
Somebody has to walk the point.
|
wuchang
spiritual advisor and gatekeeper to the Spirit World
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5209
Loc: uphill
|
|
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Wife : "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "They gave those away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
wuchang
spiritual advisor and gatekeeper to the Spirit World
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5209
Loc: uphill
|
|
Quote:
SwampFox said:
Wife : "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."
Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"
Wife : "They gave those away."
Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."
Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"
Husband : "That's where they held the auction."
Some how I don't see Hallmark ever making this into a Valentine's card 
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
As men age, we start seeing more of the medical world, which nowadays seems to include an increasing number of women as our physicians and therapists, and in my case, a new urologist.
My family doctor recently referred me to a just-out-of-medical-school female urologist. I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as unbelievably sexy.
She told me that I need to stop masturbating.
I asked her why.
She said, "Because I'm trying to examine you..."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
Previous
Index
Next
Threaded
Edit
Reply
Quote
