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Kids...
      #43138 - 06/03/06 05:52 PM

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

A few moments passed ... "An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments later," Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike....."

A few moments later, 'Looks like the Sanders are moving."

"Jason is on his skate board...."

A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, his Mother and Dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle, too."

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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #43139 - 06/03/06 05:54 PM

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $380,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it"

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $380,000 mortgage & no bike!"

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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #43146 - 06/03/06 06:37 PM

A young mother and her four year-old son were taking a trip on Northwest airlines. The little boy watched intently out the window then turned to his mother and asked; "If big horses have baby horses and big dogs have baby dogs, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
Somewhat embarressed the woman suggested he ask the flight attendant.
When she came around he did just that. She looked to the boys mother who hid her face in a book pretending not to notice.
"Did your mommy tell you to ask me that?"
"Yes, she did." said the little boy.
"Well I don't know about other airlines, but we don't have baby planes because Northwest always pulls out on time. Now ask your mommy to explain THAT!"

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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Mel
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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #43148 - 06/03/06 08:05 PM

SF,

You have waaaaaayyyyyy too much time on your hands.

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Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy


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Re: Kids... [Re: Mel]
      #43151 - 06/03/06 08:59 PM

I've been slacking at my duties for a couple of weeks.
Just trying to catch up.

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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #43925 - 06/10/06 02:55 PM

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday School class.
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again.
Again, they all answered, "NO! "Well, I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #44683 - 06/16/06 11:19 PM

A college professor was doing a study, testing the senses of first graders,by using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all the children the same kind of Lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.

The children began:

"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
"Orange........orange."
Finally the professor gave them all a HONEY-flavoured Lifesaver.
After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out, and yelled, "Oh My God! Spit them out everyone. They're assholes!"

--------------------
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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #44752 - 06/18/06 03:41 PM

One day on the play ground the 1st grade boys were talking about how great their dads are.
Timmy said my dad can eat 2 big macs.
Not to be out done Frank said,"That;s nothing my dad can eat 4 whoppers and 2 large fries".
When they got to Johny he said,"That nothing. my dad can eat a window shade!"
The other boys said, "Your crazy! nobody can do that!"
Johny said,"He can to! I heard him tell momma last night that if she'd pull down that window shade he'd eat it."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #49428 - 07/26/06 09:55 PM

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bicycle stopped beside him. "Nice bike", said the cop, "Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5.00 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there, sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #51642 - 08/09/06 03:54 AM

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... and before he could say "fork," the rottweiler ate him!"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #54293 - 08/24/06 04:07 AM

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.

"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"

"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."

"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #54975 - 08/27/06 06:40 PM

Fred and Mary got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mom says, "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"
He says, "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #55315 - 08/29/06 02:58 AM

Aunt Nancy

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The teacher gave her fourth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, ?My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.?

?What's the moral of the story?? asked the teacher.

?Don't put all your eggs in one basket!?

?Very good,? said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, ?Our family are farmers too, but we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched, we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, ?don't count your chickens before they're hatched.??

?That was a fine story, Sarah.?

?Heather, do you have a story to share??

?Yes, my mommy told me this story about my Aunt Nancy. Aunt Nancy was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

?She killed seventy of them with the machine gun before she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.?

?Good heavens,? said the horrified teacher, ?What kind of moral did your mommy tell you from that horrible story??

?Stay the hell away from Aunt Nancy when she's been drinking.?

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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #57540 - 09/11/06 02:29 AM

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.

Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"

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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #59032 - 09/20/06 01:53 PM

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievious. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide eyed and his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dived into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When the older brother found him in the closet he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time." "GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #60206 - 09/26/06 06:50 PM

Glen was acting up outside of a convenience store and was making his mom pretty mad so she told him she'd punish him when they got to my aunt's house.
When they got there, his mom made him go down in the basement and do military-style pushups for 10 minutes. He came outside with his mom and she made him run 10 laps around the driveway and apparently my two year old cousin Katy watched him do it.
After he was done he and Katy were playing out on the deck when Katy knocked over a glass of coke and said "chit."
Glen ran right back inside and told my aunt that Katy said the "s word".
My aunt asked "did she say shut up?"
Glen said "nooooo."
So my aunt walked out on the deck found Katy and asked "Katy did you say a bad word?"
Katy said "yes, I said chit but don't tell Glen's mommy."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #67667 - 11/04/06 03:52 AM

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
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After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
************************************************************
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
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My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
************************************************************
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
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I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued.. At last she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
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When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
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When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four to six."
************************************************************
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'"
************************************************************
Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
************************************************************
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No, said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #70049 - 11/19/06 03:56 AM

A Sixth Grade History Of The World

The following were answers provided by 6th graders during a history test. Watch the spelling! Some of the best humor is in the misspelling. [THOSE OF YOU WHO CAN TELL]

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

9. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen," As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote paradise lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Found.

13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

14. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

15. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

16. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

17. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits.

18. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #74888 - 12/25/06 06:41 PM

Test

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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #81874 - 01/30/07 04:21 PM

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.

As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother ran to the yard in a panic.

"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she said as she grabbed the older boy in anger.

"We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said. "And I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in...the hole-he-goes."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #94036 - 04/22/07 08:46 AM

Dear Mom And Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps.

It was neat.

We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Mathew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus.

He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.

I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy some more beer. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Johnnie

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #96000 - 05/08/07 01:28 PM

A friend of mine had a 3 year old that cussed like a sailor. He tried everything under the sun to break him of it. At his wits end he made up a story that he told to his son about an old mean man that kidnaps little kids with potty mouths and treats them real bad until they learn to talk nice. The three year old's response?


"WELL, THAT SON OF A B*TCH"

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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #96690 - 05/13/07 08:07 AM

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime. They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager. As they waited patiently, the little boy said loudly,

"Gee, she's fat!"

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boys ear to be quiet.

A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy.

The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the line. Just then, her pager began to emit a beep, beep, beep.

The little boy yells out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!!

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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #96716 - 05/13/07 01:21 PM

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class. A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted...........

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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #96717 - 05/13/07 01:23 PM

Little Johnney was in school and his teacher was giving them their first talk on the sexes, and the differences between men and women.

When the teacher told them that men have a penis, little Johnney held up his hand and said, "My daddy has two of them".

The teacher told him that was impossible that men just have one penis.

Little Johnney said, "Oh no, My dad has two, I've seen them. He has a little one that he pees with, and a big one that he brushes mommy's teeth with".

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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #99230 - 06/02/07 11:49 AM

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room
and one is on top of the other?

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you."

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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #107629 - 08/04/07 04:15 PM

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."
The second kid replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."

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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #108680 - 08/12/07 10:37 AM

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?



1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.




How did God make mothers?



1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.




What ingredients are mothers made of?



1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.




Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?



1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.




What kind of little girl was your mom?



1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.




What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?



1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?




Why did your mom marry your dad?



1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.




Who's the boss at your house?



1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.




What's the difference between moms & dads?



1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic; they make you feel better without medicine.




What does your mom do in her spare time?



1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.




What would it take to make your mom perfect?



1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.




If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?



1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #112636 - 08/30/07 11:59 AM

Three 5th graders, an Irish boy, Italian boy and a redneck boy are in the playground at recess. One of them suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says. "Okay" They all agree.

The Irish boy pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian boy. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the redneck boy whips his out. It is by far the biggest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the redneck boy's mother asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book ... And during recess, my friends and I played 'The weenie game'." "What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother. "Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other boys say it's because I'm a redneck. Is that true, Mom?"

Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-one."

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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #116621 - 09/19/07 04:35 PM

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend?

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.

Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done,

"I took a ride on a choo-choo."

She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.

You must remember to use 'Big People' words."

She then asked little Alec what he had done?

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,

"Winnie the CHIT!"

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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #116625 - 09/19/07 04:51 PM

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?" S

he said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" He asked.

She pointed to her lap and said "cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see" he said.

"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.

He looked and said, "that's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter he said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!

She said "oh, my god, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and gizzards!!!

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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #123861 - 10/31/07 09:15 PM

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a live wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"
The boy replied, "What turkey?"
The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."
The boy looks down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"
The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so what ever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm.
Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?"
The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!

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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #134212 - 01/03/08 11:46 AM

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner.


An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall, and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:

"He lives in a home with ten children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #134718 - 01/06/08 07:06 AM

The "Middle Wife" by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students.. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame.
Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome..

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.) "My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe'. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-centre, so there must be a lot of toys inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife" comes along.

--------------------
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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #137376 - 01/20/08 10:34 AM

A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa," he says excitedly, "as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said his grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croak, we're going to Disneyland!!!"

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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #137432 - 01/21/08 12:04 AM

Who says Today's Kids aren't smart ??

I wish I'd thought of this...

At a high School in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school. They let three goats loose in the school.

Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats.. 1,2,4.

Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

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Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy


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Re: Kids... [Re: Mel]
      #137590 - 01/22/08 11:03 AM

A father, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old daughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and he really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their daughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her father.
"Well," the father asked, "Did you enjoy your ride with mommy?"
"Oh yes, Daddy" the girl replied, "And do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy chit head!"

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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #139594 - 02/06/08 10:26 AM

GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was ' DON'T !'

'Don 't what ? ' Adam replied.

'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.' God said.

'Forbidden fruit ? We have forbidden fruit ? Hey Eve ..we have forbidden fruit ! '

' No Way ! '

'Yes way ! '

'Do NOT eat the fruit ! ' said God.

'Why ? '

'Because I am your Father and I said so ! ' God replied,
wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked ! 'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit ? ' God asked.

'Uh huh,' Adam replied.

'Then why did you ? ' said the Father.

'I don't know,' said Eve.

'She started it ! ' Adam said.

'Did not ! '
'Did too ! '
'DID NOT ! '

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #150169 - 05/23/08 11:26 AM

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb ass is it?"

The little boy shook his head.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother".

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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #156845 - 07/24/08 04:03 PM

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'

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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #156958 - 07/25/08 02:56 PM

WHAT KIDS SAY

1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop?¢ ¡Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that righ t?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'

6) POLICE # 2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various ap pliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that pro per burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!

--------------------
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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #160980 - 09/02/08 12:39 AM

Children write about the sea:

1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

5) A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. And how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen age 6)

9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)

10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

13) On holidays my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her fat ass. (Jule age 7)

--------------------
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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #161022 - 09/02/08 12:01 PM

Quote:

SwampFox said:


5) A dolphin breathes through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)







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Re: Kids... [Re: 67Firebird]
      #162792 - 09/18/08 02:15 PM

Kids On Beer

A handful of 7 year old children were asked, 'what they thought of beer.

7-year-old Tim - 'I think beer must be good. My Dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my Mom gets.'

7-year-old Melanie - 'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.

7-year-old Grady - 'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'

7-year-old Toby - 'My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink, the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'

7-year-old Sarah - 'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.

7-year-old Lilly - 'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'

7-year-old Ethan - 'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'

7-year-old Shirley - 'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'

7-year-old Jack - 'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense...'

--------------------
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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #163828 - 09/29/08 07:57 AM

He asked for help and she could see why.
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little Boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they Got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than It was putting them on. She managed to keep Her cool as together they worked to get the Boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, '....These aren't my boots. She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face And scream, 'Why didn't you say so?', like she Wanted to.
Once again, she struggled to help him Pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner Had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em.'
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or
cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage She had
left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, '.....Now, where are your mittens?'
He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots

--------------------
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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #173457 - 01/15/09 01:27 PM

Cup of Tea

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know..

'Did you know the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?

--------------------
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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #179587 - 03/15/09 12:09 AM

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child.
'No,' said another, 'he's just for good luck.'
A third child brought the argument to a close. 'They use the dogs,' she said firmly, 'to find the fire hydrants.

--------------------
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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #181584 - 03/29/09 10:41 PM

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden..

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.?

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted
her foot and stomped them flat.

'Well, we're not having any of that gay sh _t in our garden', she said.


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Re: Kids... [Re: 67Firebird]
      #181714 - 03/31/09 03:06 AM



--------------------
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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #181966 - 04/01/09 01:36 PM

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor
came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there
anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with
your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."

--------------------
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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #186187 - 05/24/09 04:03 PM

My five-year old students are learning to read. Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said, 'Look at this! It's a frickin' elephant!'

I took a deep breath, then asked...'What did you call it?'

'It's a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!'

And so it does....

'A f r i c a n Elephant'

Hooked on phonics! Ain't it wonderful?

--------------------
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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #186188 - 05/24/09 04:04 PM

A little girl walked to and from school daily.

Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to the primary school.

As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with lightning.

The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school and she feared the electrical storm might harm her child. Full of concern, the mother quicklygot into her car and drovealong the route to her child's school. As she did, she saw her little girl walking along, at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up, and smile. Another and another flash of lightning followed quickly and with each, the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile. When the mother's car drew up beside the child, she lowered the window and called to her 'What are you doing?'

The child answered, 'I am trying to look pretty because God keeps taking my picture.'

--------------------
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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #188130 - 07/02/09 03:09 AM

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

--------------------
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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #200296 - 02/20/10 02:29 AM

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned
over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours ? "

He replied, " No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints. "

--------------------
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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #202902 - 04/09/10 05:20 AM



--------------------
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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #202930 - 04/10/10 01:55 AM



--------------------
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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #205095 - 06/14/10 01:07 PM

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.


The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.


I don't understand. Mom and Dad taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...

--------------------
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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #205696 - 07/03/10 04:09 PM



--------------------
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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #207861 - 09/07/10 01:45 AM

THE GRANDFATHER


A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly

behaved 3 year-old grandson..

It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child

Screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit

Aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled

Voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . Easy,boy."

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay,

William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang

In there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the

Cart, and Gramps says again in a controlled voice, "William,

William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five

Minutes; stay cool, William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is

Loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but

You were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole

Time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive

He got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay William is

Very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William . ... . The

Little bastard's name is Steve."

--------------------
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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #225043 - 12/18/11 04:55 PM



--------------------
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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #229120 - 05/23/12 12:02 AM

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.

The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say....

"You see, it IS vanishing cream!"

--------------------
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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #229800 - 06/19/12 12:56 PM



--------------------
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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #230489 - 07/17/12 05:49 PM

True story.

A girl friend's daughter came home from Sunday school this past Sunday and asked:

"Did Jesus get to wear flip-flops every day of the year?"


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Re: Kids... [Re: MB2]
      #230495 - 07/18/12 12:46 AM



--------------------
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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #230655 - 07/24/12 02:05 AM

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, the son asked the Daddy......

"Dad, I know that babies come from Mommies tummy, but how do they get there in the first place?

The Dad, not wanting to go into the birds and bees lecture, hemmed, hummed and hawed for a while until the son said.....

"It's okay Dad, you don't have to make something up. If you don't know the answer, just say so."

--------------------
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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #236295 - 02/21/13 11:25 AM



--------------------
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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #237122 - 04/03/13 06:25 PM

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.

Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand........

The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

--------------------
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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #240110 - 09/30/13 01:54 PM

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!

--------------------
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Mel
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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #240363 - 10/11/13 11:01 AM

*Children Are Quick **

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

*____________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child) *****

*____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________



PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH* * Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off*****

****

--------------------
Member DU, Delta

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy


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Re: Kids... [Re: Mel]
      #251184 - 11/23/15 10:04 AM

Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"

Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.

Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson. "Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."

"Very good, Sam. Thank you."

Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

--------------------
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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #262012 - 06/30/20 04:02 PM

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?" Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."

--------------------
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Re: Kids... [Re: SwampFox]
      #262013 - 06/30/20 05:55 PM

That Johnny gets around

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