SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.
JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb ass!"
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came ou! t to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But wh! en she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,She shot the little b*st*rd
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
Edited by SwampFox (02/28/06 12:19 PM)
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
Brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently shut the window
And crushed his little head.
I'm not a morning person.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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atelayar
Reged: 06/01/06
Posts: 6
Loc: Troy, USA
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There once was a girl from St. Louis,
Who, for two dollars said she'd do us,
We coughed up the cash
And tagged that a**
It was all great except for the green mucus.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Old Mother Hubbard,
went to the cupboard,
to get her poor doggie a bone;
When old Mother Hubbard,
bent over the cupboard,
Rover gave her a bone of his own.
...............
Jack was nimble,
Jack was quick,
But Jack still scorched
His little dick.
........
There once was a hermit named Dave.
He had a dead whore in his cave.
He had to admit, it stunk quite a bit
But think of the money he saved.
.......
Hickory Dickory Dock,
Three mice ran up her sock,
Two stopped at the garter,
The other went farther,
Hickory Dickory Dock.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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IIFID
Bond....Timmy Bond
Reged: 12/15/05
Posts: 8066
Loc: Nipawin, Saskatchewan
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I wish that all girls were like diamonds and rubies
And I was the jeweler I'd play with their boobies
I wish that all girls were like pies on a shelf
and I was the baker I'd eat em myself
I wish that all girls were like pieces of grass
and I was the mower I'd mow me some azz
I wish that all girls were like trees in a forest
and I was the buzzsaw, I'd buzz their &*^$oris
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Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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I wish that all girls were like bats in a steeple
If I were a bat there'd be more bats that people
(chorus)
So roll your leg over
Girl roll your leg over
Please roll your leg over
It's better that way
I wish that all girls were like waves in the ocean
and I was the tide with perpetual motion
(chorus)
I wish that all girls were like statues of venus
and I was a god with a cast iron penis
(chorus)
I wish that all girls were like fish in a pool
and I was a shark with a waterproof tool
(chorus)
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Woman's Poem
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the chit out of him...
Like his mother used to do.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their famous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The Hokey Pokey (as written by W. Shakespeare)
O proud left foot, that ventures quick within. Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin: Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Pokey, A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl. To spin! A wilde release from Heaven's yoke. Blessed dervish!
Surely thou canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke --banish now thy doubt.
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.
- by William Shakespeare
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Positively proper perambulating powerful persuasive promulgating poetry. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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New Words for the Dictionary?
TESTICULATING
Waving your arms around and talking Crap.
BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a
project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and
then leaves.
ASSMOSIS
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by
sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.
CUBE FARM
An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm and people's
heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies
to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)
SITCOMs
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into
when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with
the kids or start a "home business".
SINBAD
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.
STRESS PUPPY
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it
to work again.
404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not
Found", meaning that the requested document could not be located.
OHNO SECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just
made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').
GOING FOR A McSH*T
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, 'cause
you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member,
your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known
as a McSh*t with Lies.
BEER COAT
The invisible, but warm coat, worn when walking home after a booze
cruise at 3am.
BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze
cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you
got there, and where you've come from.
BREAKING THE SEAL
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After
breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be
required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.
BRITNEY SPEARS
Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britney's please".
JOHNNY-NO-STARS
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who
works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges
displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show
their level of training.
MILLENNIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from
the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.
MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!Oo!Oo!
Aa!Aa!Aa!".
MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pot, and whisks away all the unattractive people
so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.
MYSTERY TAXI
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake
up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Poter in
your bed instead.
PICASSO BUM
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
got four buttocks.
SALAD DODGER
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.
SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive woman.
TART FUEL
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Omar had a little bomb
He said it filled a need
For getting rid of all those folks
With whom he disagreed.
Omar let his bomb go off
Without the proper care
And now we're finding little bits
Of Omar everywhere.
--- courtesy of Mad Magazine - circa 1980-something.
--- used without permission.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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In days of old
When men where bold
And rubbers not invented
They tied a sock
Around their cock
So children were prevented
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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S O M E T I M E S
Sometimes...
when you cry...
no one sees your tears.
Sometimes...
when you are in pain...
no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes...
when you are worried..
no one sees your stress.
Sometimes...
when you are happy..
no one sees your smile .
But FART!! just ONE time...
And everybody knows!!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Heres to the wound that never heals
The more you rub it the better it feels
& all the soap this side of Hell
Will never get rid of that dead fish smell
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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An Ode to Glasgow Airport Disaster
T'was doon by the inch o' Abbots
Oor Johnny walked one day
When he saw a sicht that troubled him
Far more that he could say
A fanatic muslim bastard
Wiz doin what he'd planned
And intae Glesca's departure hall
A Cherokee he'd rammed.
A big Glaswegian polis
Came forward tae assist
He thocht "a wumman driver"
Or at least someone half-pissed
But to his shock nae drunken Jock
Emerged to grasp his hand
But a flamin Arab loony
Frae yon Al Qaeda's band.
The mad Islamist nut-case
Had set hissel' on fire
And swung oot at the polis
GBH his clear desire
Now that's no richt wur Johnny cried
And sallied intae the fray
A left hook and a gid heid butt
Required tae save the day.
Now listen up Bin Laden
Yir sort's nae wanted here
For imported English radicals
Us Scoatsman huv nae fear
Oor hame grown Glesca Asians
Will have nae bluidy truck
So tak yer worldwide jihad
And get yersel tae ****.
Anon
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The Drunken Poem...
Starkle, starkle, little twink,
Who the hell are you I think.
I'm not under what you call
The alcofluence of incohol.
I'm just a little slort of sheep,
I'm not drunk like thinkle peep.
I don't know who is me yet,
But the drunker I stand here the longer I get.
So just give me one more fink to drill my cup,
'Cause I got all day sober to Sunday up.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Upon These Stools
Upon these stools we boozers swill
To wash down this life?s bitter pill
With good bourbon, our common bond.
Let whiskey with our cares abscond,
And reduce our concerns to nil.
We are the drunk. No drop we spill
Of our savior born of the still.
To our prayers our lord does respond
Upon these stools.
Egregious memories we kill
Of coworkers stupid and shrill,
Of smug managers far beyond
The pale with whom we correspond.
And feel better? Ye gods, we will
Upon these stools.
?Doug Manion
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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He's a fool who gives over the liquor,
It softens the skinflint at once,
It urges the slow coach on quicker,
Gives spirit and brains to the dunce.
The man who is dumb as a rule
Discovers a great deal to say,
While he who is bashful since Yule
Will talk in an amorous way.
It's drink that uplifts the poltroon
To give battle in France and in Spain,
Now here is an end of my turn,
And fill me that bumper again!
Lord Byron
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY,
MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP.
MAY YOUR POTATOES 'N GRAVY HAVE NARY A LUMP,
MAY YOUR YAMS BE DELICIOUS,
MAY YOUR PIES TAKE THE PRIZE,
MAY YOUR THANKSGIVING DINNER
STAY OFF OF YOUR THIGHS.
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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Well, thanks for the Canadian Thanksgiving wish, but, yet again we will be having The Original Happy Meal here! 
Happy Meal
As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly! 
Edited by SwampFox (10/08/07 02:10 PM)
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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DAMN , GIRL... 
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Quote:
MissBudweiser said:
Well, thanks for the Canadian Thanksgiving wish, but, yet again we will be having The Original Happy Meal here!
Happy Meal
As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly!
This is the first time I have been forced to wear my moderators hat. 
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Here's a link to send to that special person on their birthday...
The Birthday Song
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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On a more serious note.
Screw Guns
Rudyard Kipling
Smoking my pipe on the mountings,
Sniffing the morning cool,
I walks in my old brown gaiters,
Along 'o my own brown mule;
With seventy odd Gunners behind me,
An' never a beggar forgets
That it's only the pick of the Army;
That handles the dear little pets ....
_CHORUS_ _ _ _ _ _
For you all loves the Screw Guns,
The Screw Guns they all loves you
So when we calls round with a few guns
Of cause you will know what to do - hoo
Just send in your Chief and surrender
'Tis worse if you fights or you runs,
You may go where you please;
You can skid up the trees
But you don't get away from the guns.
They sends us along where the roads are,
But mostly we goes where they 'aint,
We'd climb up the side of a sign board
An' trust to the stick 'o the paint;
We've chivied the Naga and Looshai,
We've given the Afreedeeman fits,
For we fancies ourself at two thousand,
We guns that are built in two bits
_CHORUS_ _ _ _ _ _
For you all loves the Screw Guns etc ...
If a man won't work, why we drills 'im
An' teaches 'im 'ow to behave,
If a beggar can't march why we kills him
And rattles 'im into his grave;
You've got to stand up to our business,
An' spring without snatching or fuss,
D'you say that you sweat with the field guns
By God you must lather with us.
_CHORUS_ _ _ _ _ _
For you all loves the Screw Guns etc ...
The eagles is screamin' around us
The river's a moanin' below
We're clear of the pine an' the oak scrub
We're out on the rocks an' the snow
And the wind is as thin as a whiplash
That carries away to the plains
The rattle and stamp of the lead mules
The jinklety-jink 'o the chains
_CHORUS_ _ _ _ _ _
For you all loves the Screw Guns etc ...
Theres a wheel on the Horns 'o the Morning,
An' a wheel on the edge of the pit,
An' a drop into nothing beneath you,
As straight as a beggar can spit,
Wi' the sweat runnin' out 'o your shirt sleeves
An' the sun off the snow in your face
An' 'alf 'o the men on the drag ropes
To hold the old gun in 'er place
_CHORUS_ _ _ _ _ _
For you all loves the Screw Guns etc ...
Smoking my pipe on the mountings
Sniffing the morning cool
I climbs in mi' old brown gaiters
Along 'o my old brown mule
The monkey can say what our road was,
The wild goat 'e knows where we passed,
Stand Easy, you long eared old Darlin's
Out drag ropes, wi' shrapnel - Hold fast
For you all loves the Screw Guns
The Screw Guns they all love you
So when we takes tea with a few guns
Of cause you will know what to do - hoo
Just send in your Chief and surrender
'Tis worse if you fights or you runs,
You may hide in your caves
They'll be only your graves
For you CAN'T get away from the GUNS.
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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