SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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African laxitive...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The Christmas Nativity scenes in northeast Spain's Catalonia region have, for three centuries, featured not only Mary and the Three Wise Men but the ubiquitous "caganer" icon, always portrayed with pants down answering a call of nature (and often so obscured in the scene as to popularize Where's-Waldo-type guessing by children). The origin of the caganer (literally, "pooper") is unclear, but some regard it merely as symbolic of equality (in that everyone has bowel movements). Catalonia is now home to artists who craft statuettes of religious figures poised to relieve themselves, and the franchise extends to renditions of sports figures and celebrities (and even a squatting President Bush). One family in Girona province sells about 25,000 a year, according to a November dispatch in Germany's Der Spiegel. [Spiegel Online, 11-25-08]
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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The path to energy independence is paved in pig chit
Renewable energy is not a new idea. Every elementary school kid knows that methane emanates from the cowpat in the beautiful green field. Anyone with a rudimentary knowledge of South America knows that Brazilian motorists have filled their tanks with ethanol for years. We all know there are alternative fuels available for hybrid cars on both sides of the Atlantic. Now meet Dean Gokel, a NASCAR fuel specialist who knows one source most people may have overlooked. According to Frank Bell, his company's president, Gokel has technology that can "take a gallon of piss, chit and water and turn it into a gallon of gasoline."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Subject: Excellent Posting on Craigslist!
To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah )
I was the white guy with the black Burrberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my
girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.
I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?
I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your pants.
I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cellphone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.
I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line, and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that.
I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service. I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it.
Oh well.
So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of path in life. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry. Peace! - Alex
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Link: Next-generation space toilet ready in five years
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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67Firebird
Former political advocate
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 9172
Loc: Russellville, Mo
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
Link: Next-generation space toilet ready in five years
Does it leak out if they take it off to "do it"? That'd be a mood-breaker. 
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Those clever Japaneese probably have something in there to "handle that problem.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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cook
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 1750
Loc: in my underwear
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Kinda half-azzed watched an episode "Dity Jobs" at the hospital the other night.He was repairing a toliet on a ship,looked somewhat like a normal one,but ya pooped into a paper basket that was then burned in the built in incinerator.
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Speaking of pooping in a plastic basket...
I was stationed in Alaska for a few years.On one of our extended training operations at Greely , the low was 55 below and the high was 33 below.It stayed like this for 8 days.
We used empty C ration boxes and placed small plastic bags into them , sqautted over and tried to chit into the bag.It was so cold the turds froze BEFORE landing in the bag....they clinked like glass hitting together. 
Did I tell you about the time my hands were so frozen I couldn't feel what I was wiping or what i thought I was using to wipe with??
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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That is exactly the type of input we are looking for. 
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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crossbar
member
Reged: 12/25/05
Posts: 67
Loc: Jackson Mo.
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Hey Bubba when were you at Greely. I worked at The phone company in Delta 1976 to 1981 when the full time guy was on vacation and stuff. Drank gallons of beer at the trophy lodge. 
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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I was at Greely every year during Jan or Feb from 80 to 83.
Army training.Lived in Anchorage at Ft Richardson.
Most folks can't comprehend that kind of cold! 
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Liquidity (n.) When you look at your investments and wet your pants.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Amador Bernabe fired for 'un-Australian toilet habits'
A MAN who uses water instead of toilet paper says he was sacked for his "un-Australian" toilet habits.
Amador Bernabe, 43, is a machine operator in Townsville on a working visa from the Philippines, the Townsville Bulletin reports.
On Thursday, he claims his foreman followed him into the bathrooms questioning his toilet hygiene.
Mr Bernabe said his employer, Townsville Engineering Industries (TEI), sacked him yesterday for not going to the toilet the Australian way.
"I went to go to the toilet and I took a bottle of water when my foreman saw me and he said, 'you can't bring the water in there'," Mr Bernabe said.
The foreman followed Mr Bernabe into the toilet despite his protests.
"I said it's my personal hygiene. I didn't break any law, I didn't break any rules of the company, why can't I do this, and he said he would report me to the manager.
The next day, Mr Bernabe says he was called into the manager's office.
"He asked me what had happened and I explained to him and he said if I didn't follow the Australian way I would be immediately terminated and I said 'sir, then you better terminate me'."
The move has angered union bosses and politicians on the Australia Day weekend.
Australian Manufacturing Worker's Union state organiser Rick Finch said the incident was shocking.
"I think it is atrocious, an invasion of a person's rights and cultural beliefs," he said.
"If it wasn't so disgusting it would almost be laughable."
Greens spokeswoman Jenny Stirling praised Mr Bernabe for standing up for his rights.
"I commend the man for standing up for himself and I encourage the employer to have further talks with the union and the employee and I am sure commonsense will prevail," she said.
"I would like to see how Australians feel when they go to Europe where in places they don't have toilet paper."
TEI could not be reached for comment.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Companies compete to get naming rights for stadiums, buildings, and parks. However, Lloyds Bank didn't have to pay anything to get the largest known fossilized human turd named after it. They must be thrilled.
The Lloyds Bank Coprolite is so named because it was found on a site that later became a location of a Lloyds Bank. Apparently the turd was planted hundreds of years ago by a Viking who, scientists guess based on the size of the thing, "probably hadn't performed for a few days". The composition of the excrement reveals he (or she) ate a lot of meat and grains, and his intestines were riddled with worms.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Oh no you dihent...
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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Yesses...
I did.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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John, a porcelain commode gunned down in an accidental shooting at a fast food restaurant's bathroom, has died. His age was not immediately known.
The toilet was shattered by a bullet Jan. 12 when a man's gun fell from its holster as he was pulling up his pants, police said. Police do not plan to file criminal charges in connection with the incident.
Christian Martinez, manager of the Carl's Jr. where John was gunned down, held a memorial service Friday at the restaurant. He gave away bottles of John's favorite toilet cleaner, Kaboom Bowl Blaster, to the eatery's first 50 patrons.
A Bountiful flower shop provided a large floral arrangement.
"In all my years, I can say without a doubt that I have never delivered for a toilet," said deliveryman Doug Graham, "but I thought it was the funniest thing I've ever heard. I got a kick out of it."
Remnants of John hit and cut the gun owner's arm, but he was not seriously injured.
Police blamed John's death on the gun and style of holster the man was using.
"He was survived by the men's urinal and wash sink," said Martinez. "He left us way too soon."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had and their ages.
She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty-two. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty-six. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty-four... "
"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins EVERY time?"
The woman answered, " Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nothin . "
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7970
Loc: Mid Mo
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A real post from bodybuilding.com
Marbles in my wifes ass
My wife has 2 problems. One is the fact that everytime she gets drunk she gets mean. She always looks for a fight, or a way to make me feel like chit me. The other problem is that every morning after she gets drunk she has an explosive watery chit. One night she pushed me to far.
She was drunk of course and felling a little frisky so we we messing around and I tried to put it in the butt, she got mad and started talking chit, about how I'm no good and my dick is small, and that she probally wouldn't even feel it. so we never did have sex.
After she went to sleep I couldn't get the pain of her saying my dick was small out of my head. I wanted to embarrass her as much as she embarrased me. So I got an Idea
I went to my sons room and got his bad of marbles. i then went to my secret stash and got a bottle of lube. I could just image her reactions when you chit marbles the next morning. I lubed them up one at a time and slowly pushed each one in. About a hundered in all. I got so excited I jerked off then giggled my self to sleep.
The next morning I woke up so excited I couldn't stand it. I made allot of noise getting dressed so she would wake up. She did and not 3 minutes later she said " oh my stomach. not again" and ran to the bathroom. I was in thee brushing my teeth. Usually she would tell me to leave but the urge was to intense. She sat down and let it rip.
She dam near had a heart attack from the noise. The marbles hitting the porcelin sounded like a machine gun going off in the bathroon. She turned white as a sheet and stood up. Still shitting all over the place. Marbles rolling all over the floor as they bounced around. It took her a couple of minutes to put it all together. She said " What the ****" I just laughed and laughed as she packed her chit and left.
I really do kind of miss her though.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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