SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?" asked the banker.
Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Just goes to show that because there is snow on the rooftop doesn't mean the fire is out down in the furnace. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the trunk of the car and got into driver's seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down in the same row.
She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station..
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
The moral of the story is that if you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a good one
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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An old farmer, selling his peaches door to door, knocked on the door of a very pretty young lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked "would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked "are they as firm as this?" He nodded his head and said, "Yes" and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking "are they nice and pink like this?" The farmer said "yes" and another tear came from the other eye.
The lady then opened the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?" He again said "yes" and broke down crying. The lady said "what in the world is wrong with you?"
Drying his eyes he said, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my cotton, and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
!
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
2. You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
3. Getting a little action means I don't need fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
Thoughts for the weekend
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitt! ing clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen aSleep yet.
My husband says I never listen to him. At least I think that's what he said.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
But Most Of All, Remember !
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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An elderley man had a hearing problem for several years.He was almost deaf. His Doctor had him fitted with a new hearing aid which gave him 100% hearing.
On a follow up visit a month later the Doctor said,"Your hearing is back to 100 %. I bet your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
"oh, I haven't told my family yet,"smiled the old man." I just sit around and listen to the conversations.I've changed my will five times!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"
The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."
The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by bbaatteries ?"
The clerk responds, "Yes we do."
"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffabbitch offfff?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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I told the wife, "30 years ago, I had to ask you to stop rubbing or patting on me for minute so I could take a sip of beverage and not spill it. These days I don't have to make that request any more."
She responded while glancing down the front of me, "Yeah, now you spill it on your shirt all by your self."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me .. your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.
"I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Bwaaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say,? Esther, I?d like to ride in that helicopter."
Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said "Esther I?m 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance." Esther replied "Morris that helicopter ride is 50 dollars, and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."
The pilot over heard the couple and said," folks I?ll make you a deal I?ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars".
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his dare daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "by golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied "well, I was going to say something when Esther fell out, but "50 dollars is 50 dollars."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well.
Wally takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action". Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it: Wally is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old ready for more "action". So, once again they enjoy each other. As Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that, at your age, you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Wally."
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says, "You mean I was here already?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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I know several people that resemble that problem. (Come to think of it, I might have been one, but I forget)
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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This will warm your heart, especially if you have lost faith in human kindness.
This letter was sent to the principal's office after an elementary school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady had received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize, and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all human kind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today!
Dear Faculty and Students,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens' luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at an assisted living home. All of my family has passed away and it's nice to know someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten woman. My roommate, Mary, is 90 and always had her own radio. Before I won this radio, she would never let me borrow hers, even when she was napping. The other day, her radio fell off her night stand and broke into a lot of little pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fork you biatch.
.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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The milk of human kindness..........not!!! 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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IIFID
Bond....Timmy Bond
Reged: 12/15/05
Posts: 8075
Loc: Nipawin, Saskatchewan
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A husband and wife were celebrating their 90th wedding anniversary, and the media was there to document the occasion.
One of the reporters asked the secret to their successful marriage and longevity. The wife replied that they had never been sick.
The young reporter was astonished and to confirm said, "So, you've never been bedridden?"
And the wife quickly replied, "Oh, 1000's of times, and twice in a buggy!"
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Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.
"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday "
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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An elderly man and his wife went to the doctor. He went in first. She sat in the hall.
One of the first questions the doctor asked him was whether he had intercourse. He said, just a minute, went out in the hall, and asked the wife if he had intercourse.
She said no, we have Blue Cross/Blue Shield!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Went to my new doctor for my annual EXAM. The nurse started with certain basics.
"How much do you weigh?" she asks. "200," I say.
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 215.
The nurse asks, "Your height?" "6 foot 0," I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5' 10".
She then takes my blood pressure, and tells me it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I screamed. "When I came in here, I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on Prozac. What a biatch!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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I resemble those remarks. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris said, "Just doing what you suggested, Doc:'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor replied, "I didn't say that.... I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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At that point, the doctor should also recommend Morris purchasing an iron lung machine.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there and you say in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing.
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.
I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated..
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The Waiting Room erupted in laughter.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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She must have been married one time to a duck hunter. 
(Oops!!! This was for the old gal with the radio back up the thread. Got on the wrong page.  )
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
Edited by Mel (06/27/06 04:58 PM)
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A senior citizens' group charters a bus from Burlington, Iowa to Branson, Missouri. Along the way, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says, "I've just been molested!" The driver felt that she had fallen
asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old whackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too. The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" asked the bus driver.
I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I grab it, it runs away!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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An elderly retired Marine fighter pilot moved into a retirement community where good looking eligible men were at a premium. After he had been there for a week, he went to confession and said, " Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Last week I was with seven different women."
The priest replied, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."
"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"
"No," said the priest, "but it will wipe that chit-eatin' grin off your face."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Sounds just like a typical gyrene.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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foots
the exterminator
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5241
Loc: by my spiritual advisor, Wu
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I was born kicking, screaming, and covered in someone elses blood. I have no problem goin out the same way.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Recent Walmart Work Application
-This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas.
They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME: Jack Buckley (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever is available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place?
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."
"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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I think the life cycle is all backwards
You should start out dead and get it out of the way.
Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Three old Ladies named Gertrude, Maude, and Tilly were sitting on a park
bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across
the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them
and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tilly, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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IIFID
Bond....Timmy Bond
Reged: 12/15/05
Posts: 8075
Loc: Nipawin, Saskatchewan
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A guy shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him. She finally passed him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout...and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mother." The little old lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. "How come so much?! I only bought 5 items.." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd pay for her things, too."
NEVER TRUST LITTLE OLD LADIES
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Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Subject: Fw: Living Wills
Ever since the Terry Schiavo debacle there has been an increase of living wills from 10,000 a year to 40,000. This is a form for the New Living Will.
I think this is the best living will form that I've seen, it's easy to understand, and it makes perfect sense as a well. It will help cut the paper work.
I, _________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:
______a Bloody Mary,
______a Margarita
______a Bud Light
______a Martini
______a Vodka and Tonic
______a Hamburger
______Lobster or crab legs
______The remote control
______Chocolate
______ Ice Cream
______Sex
It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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You left one out.........
_______My Laptop Computer
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony.
On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.
The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, Did you call for me?"
The man replied, "No, what do you mean?"
She said, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me." Smiling, she lead him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel, eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her.
Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities. He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted.
Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" asked the hairy man.
"No, what do you mean?" replied the newcomer.
"You must be new." answered the hairy man, "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench and had his way with the newcomer.
The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she asked.
"Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."
"But, Sir," she replied, "you've only been here a few hours You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities."
"Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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And you wonder where I get my stuff after this????
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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**RETIREES**
*And they ask me why I like retirement. . .?*
*Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday.*
*Question: When is a retiree's bed time?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees are needed to change a l ight bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.*
*Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.*
*Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.*
*Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.*
*Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.*
*Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!*
*Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.*
*Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.*
**Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?***
**Answers: The never ending coffee break.***
*Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.*
*Question: Why does a retiree often say he does not miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.*
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in His son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive". "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$ 10.00 a pill," answered the son.
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the Money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow he called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00 "
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Four retired guys, two from California and two from Arizona,are walking down a street in Chicago.
Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timer's Bar" "ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!"
They look at each other, and then go in.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you. What'll it be Gentlemen?"
There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the 4 men each asked for a martini.
In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
They can't believe their good luck.
They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.
They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.
Finally one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and asks the bartender, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"
"Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, all the same."
"Wow!! That's quite a story," says one of the men.
The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're seniors from Florida. They're waiting for happy hour."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Rev. W. O. Taylor, 91, was the oldest man attending the Southern Baptist Convention a few years ago. At the annual free breakfast for retirees, Brother Taylor rose and recited his own alliterative version of the parable of the prodigal son, which he entitled "The Final Fixing of the Foolish Fugitive":
"Feeling footloose, fancy-free, and frisky, this feather-brained fellow finagled his fond father into forking over his fortune. Forthwith, he fled for foreign fields and frittered his farthings feasting fabulously with fair-weather friends. Finally, facing famine, and fleeced by his fellows in folly, he found himself a feed flinger in a filthy farmlot. He fain would have filled his frame with foraged food from the fodder fragments.
"'Fooey! My father's flunkies fare far fancier,' the frazzled fugitive fumed feverishly, frankly facing fact.
"Frustrated from failure and filled with forebodings, he fled for his family.
"Falling at his father's feet, he floundered forlornly. 'Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited further family favors. . .'
"But the faithful father, forestalling further flinching, frantically flagged his flunkies to fetch forth the finest fatling and fix a feast.
"But the fugitive's fault-finding frater, faithfully farming his father's fields for free, frowned at this fickle forgiveness of former falderal. His fury flashed, but fussing was futile.
"His foresighted father figured, 'Such filial fidelity is fine, but what forbids fervent festivities? The fugitive is found! Unfurl the flags! With fanfare flaring, let fun, frolic, and frivolity flow freely, former failures forgotten and folly forsaken. Forgiveness forms a firm foundation for future fortitude.'"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Fock, that funny, fanciful, farce is full of Fs!!!
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN...?
All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?
It took five minutes for the TV warm up?
Nearly everyone's Mom, was at home when the kids got home from school?
Nobody owned a purebred dog?
When a quarter was a DECENT allowance?
You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?
Your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces?
All your male teachers wore neckties, and female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels?
The BEST Grad of Gasoline was called Ethyl, and was 104 Octane LEADED and cost 30 "CENT'S" a Gallon....That's "30 CENT'S" a GALLON!!!
You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, all for FREE, every time! And you didn't pay for "Air"! you got trading stamps to boot?
Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box?
It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents?
They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they FAILED a Grade....and they did it!
When a '57 Chevy was everyone's dream car...to cruise, peel out, lay rubber or watch submarine races, and people went steady?
No one ever asked where the car keys were,
because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?
Lying on your back in the grass with your friends
and saying things like, "That cloud looks like a....?"
Playing baseball with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game?
Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetic seals, because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?
With all our progress, don't you just wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savor the slower pace, and share it with the children of today?
When being sent to the principal's office was NOTHING compared to the Terrible Fate, that awaited the student when DAD got home?
Basically, we were in fear for our lives,
but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.
Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat!
But, we survived because their love was greater than the threat.
Who can still rememberNancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, Laurel and Hardy,Howdy Dowdy and the Peanut Gallery, the Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows,
Nellie Bell, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk.
As well as summers filled with bike rides, baseball games,Hula Hoops, bowling and visits to the municipal pool, and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar.
Going to the Movie's for the Saturday triple Matinee, cost $1.50
Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that"?
I am sharing this with you today, because it ended with a double dog dare to pass it on.
To remember what a double dog dare is, read on.
And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between, old enough to know better and too young to care.
How many of these do you remember?
Candy cigarettes.
Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside.
Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles.
Coffee shops with tableside jukeboxes.
Blackjack, Clove and Teaberry chewing gum.
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers.
Newsreels before the movie.
P.F. Fliers.
Telephone numbers with a word prefix...(Raymond 4-601) and Party lines.
Peashooters.
Howdy Dowdy.
45 RPM records.
Green Stamps.
Hi-Fi's.
Metal ice cubes trays with levers.
Mimeograph paper.
Beanie and Cecil.
Roller-skate keys.
Cork pop guns.
Drive ins.
Studebakers......
Washtub wringers.
The Fuller Brush Man.
Reel-To-Reel tape recorders.
Tinkertoys.
Erector Sets.
The Fort Apache Play Set.
Lincoln Logs.
15 cent McDonald hamburgers.
5 cent packs of baseball cards-with that awful pink slab of bubble gum that tasted like Pink Chalk.
Penny candy.
Jiffy Pop popcorn.
Do you remember a time when...
Decisions were made by going "Eeny-meeny-miney-moe"?
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "Do Over!"?
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening?
It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"?
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was...."Cooties"?
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot?
A foot of snow was a dream come true?
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures?
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense?
Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team?
War was a card game?
Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin?
Water balloons were the....ULTIMATE weapon?
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived....and your OVER 40 Year's Old!
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STTH
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 423
Loc: Turd Crick
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Thanks for the memories Mrs. B, to bad most of that is gone for ever.
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Does it mean you are really old if you remember every single one of them?  I know, I know,............ but...............hmmmm................er..................what was the question?
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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An old couple, high school sweethearts married for 60 years, rocking on the porch twiddling their canes. She reaches over and cracks him on the shins.
"WHAT THE HECK IS THAT FOR?"
"That's for 60 years of bad sex."
A couple of minutes later he cracks her on the shins.
"WHAT IS THAT FOR??"
"That's for knowing the difference."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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MB2
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5722
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Them Times
I sat with them many evenings
around their kitchen table in High Bank.
They seemed to me an ancient folk,
like persons from a different age --
which they were.
As the conversation began to flow
I became a time traveller
for these people had first-hand knowledge
of a disappeared era.
With their stories
and talk
they beckoned me back,
back to a world the called
"them times."
Back to a time
of rising with the sun,
planting by the moon,
and living off the land.
Back to a time of small fields and hedgerows,
quilts stretched out in frames,
barrels held together with hoops,
wheels circumscribed by iron rims,
and communities bounded by custom.
Back to a time
of water raised from a well,
mussel mud lifted from the river bottom,
soup ladled from the stock pot,
and humour extracted from predicament.
Back to a time
of banning the automobile,
prohibiting liquor,
resisting Daylight Savings Tim,
and guarding against extravagance.
Back to a time
of winding the winch for water,
pumping the organ for sound,
cranking the car for power,
and rocking the cradle for peace.
Back to a time
of manners,
morals,
church every Sunday,
and a rum bottle stashed in the grain bin.
Back to a time
of egg money in a cracked cup,
savings deposited in a sock,
a shiny quarter in the baby's hand,
and large brown pennies
on dead men's eyes.
Back to a time
of old men in new cars,
and new brides in old kitchens.
Back to a time
of winters without eggs,
Lent without meat,
workers without watches,
doctors without pills,
birthdays without presents,
weddings without honeymoons,
funerals without undertakers,
bedrooms without closets,
deals without signatures,
children without shoes,
women without choices,
and men without tears.
Back to a time of squaring fieldstone for foundations,
squaring logs for carrying beams,
squaring butter for barter,
and squaring opinion for acceptance.
Back to a time
of the spectre of debt,
the scourge of blight,
the plague of tuberculosis.
And the epidemic of guilt.
Back to a time
when a 'chain' was the measure of your property,
a 'skein' the measure of your yarn,
a 'teddy' the measure of your moonshine,
a 'grist' the measure of your grain,
and 'industry' the measure of your character.
Back to a time
of kittens in the barn,
chickens on the step,
rats under the barracks,
a runt piglet behind the kitchen stove,
and a 'buffalo' in the sleight.
Back to a time
of picking stones off the land,
mustard out of the oats,
bugs off the potatoes,
and burdocks out of the fleece.
Back to a time
of home remedies:
tansy tea,
sulphur and molasses tonic,
the mustard plaster,
kerosene in a spoon,
salt herring in your socks,
and cobwebs to stop the bleeding.
Back to a time
of separating cream from milk,
chaff from grain,
and Protestants from Catholics.
Back to a time
of free-range ducks in the yard,
and foraging visits
house to house
of the local gossip.
Back to a time
of following tradition,
following horses,
following politics,
and following in your parents' footsteps.
Back to a time
of the coming of the car,
the arrival of the tractor,
the installing of the lights,
the ringing in the telephone,
the intrusion of the radio,
the infiltration of new ideas,
the dying out of storytelling,
and
the beginning of the end
of "them times."
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Ozark
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 4012
Loc: out in the woods
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MissBud - Yep, that's about right.
I grew up in the Missouri Ozarks at a time when the young people had mostly left. The little towns were full of old men who wore white shirts with their overalls and straw hats on Sundays, and spent their Saturdays with the "spit and whittle club" on the square.
I was close with all my grandparents, and they were all born in the 19th century. They were still intensely concerned with the Civil War (one family was Yankee, the other was rebel), and they were still offended by the excesses of the 1920's. One grandma just didn't trust cars with glass windows ("cut yer head off if there was a wreck").
Modern times have been a helluva adjustment for me, one that I haven't entirely made yet.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're amazed, but continue to ask, "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age," Bob replies.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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The wife said,"I'd love to be eight again."
Now; what is it about the above statement that I mis-understood?
The wifes birthday was near so I asked her what she would like for her birthday.
She replied; "I'd love to be eight, again".
So I prepared for her birthday. On the morning of her birthday, I arose early and made her a nice bowl of Coco Pops.
Accepting no arguments, I then took her off to the local theme park.
WOW; what a day!
Despite her attempted protests I put her on every ride in the park. Hours later and breathless she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reelling and her stomach felt upside down.
We then went to the nearest McDonalds where I ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a large refreshing chocolate Milk Shake.
Then we went off to the movies; the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn and all the coke she could drink, her favourite lollies and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure.
Finally, we went home and she wobbled inside and collapsed onto the bed, exhausted.
I leaned over the birthday Girl with a big smile and asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being eight, again?"
She slowly opened her eyes, her expression changed, then she said, "I meant my dress size, you f*#kin' tw*t".
Now, even when I listen to what she is saying, I am still going to get it wrong.
I may be able to move back into the house next week, meanwhile the dog snores at night and needs some more flea powder.
John.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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An old prospector walk's his tired old mule into this
western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for
about six months without a drop of whiskey . He walked
up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old
mule to the hitch rail .
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his
face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the
saloon. He had a gun in one hand and a bottle of
whiskey in the other hand he looked at the old man and
laughed .
Then he said, "Hey old man have you ever danced?" The
old man looked up at him and said "No, I never did
dance, I just never did want to".
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said
"Well you old fool you're gonna dance now". And he
started shooting at the old man's feet. The old man
was hopping around and every body was laughing. He
fired his last bullet then holstered his gun and he
turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule got his shotgun and
pulled the hammer's back making a clicking sound. The
gunslinger heard this then every thing got quiet. He
turned around and was looking at both barrels aimed at
him.
The old man asked him " Did you ever kiss a mule right
on the ass hole?"
The gunslinger swallowed then said "No, but I've
always wanted to."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Test
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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This gal cracks me up.
Video: Ask The Fruitcake Lady
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break"?
He completely ignored me and continued writing the ticket so, in a very calm voice I said "what a jerk".
He glared at me for a second or two, then started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating flat-foot."
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on and on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A SENIOR MOMENT
A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Social Security check, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Amen!!!!   
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Senior Citizen Excercise Regimen
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then move up to 50-lb potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level now.)
After you feel confident at that level, put one potato in each sack.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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I was a teenage skateboarder 25 years ago. Our gang went their own ways of course over time.
I ran into Matt at HomeDepot a few weeks ago. He'd gone grey and half bald and, well, a little round. He told me he'd run into Andy - another guy from way back when. Andy has become a Sihk : an Indian Religious ... thing. They wear turbans , don't cut their hair or shave.
Both still had skateboards and went out to skate in the streets in a small city where we are ( Salem Ma. ). Within a few minutes they run into a pack of street urchin skate-rat teenagers.
The teenage skaters just stare , motionless at these two guys. Then one yells out : " No F..king Way! it's Dick Cheney and Osama "
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 85 years old," he says.
"Eighty-five!" comments the madam "Don't you realize... you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," said the old man, "how much do I owe you?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
It pays to be careful around old people.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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The doctor saw his old patient Tom, an eighty-year old farmer. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.
Being a good friend, the doctor asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The doctor then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in November."
Being the wise man that he was, the doctor realized, that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old patient's remaining years to be happy the doctor tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the farm, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one.
About four months later, the doctor ran into Tom. "How's the new wife?" asked the doctor. Tom proudly said, "Oh, she's pregnant."
The doctor, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."
Don't ever underestimate those old geezers.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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The service station trade was slow.
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick.
Piled shavings on the ground.
No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.
"Where is the ladies rest room, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.
With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.
With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car.
Just like three gals before.
She missed the foot log -- jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.
She tripped and fell -- got up,
and then in obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.
Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew!
A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.
He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish guy,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.
And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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fish
senior member - literally
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 2464
Loc: Kingdom of Callaway
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YOU GOTTA LOVE OLD MEN
I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man, never done anything wild in your life?
The old man did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's Stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want 5 loaves.
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard"
He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this chit but me."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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An old couple had another old couple over for dinner one night. After they finished the wives retired to the kitchen to do the dishes.
The two old gents stayed in the dining room. The first old gent says to the other "we had dinner at one of the nicest places last weekend, you and your wife should try it".
"What was the name of the place" the second asked.
"What is the name of that flower you give someone when you want them to know you love them" asked the first.
"A Rose?" asked the second.
"Yes, that's right...hey Rose, what was the name of that place we ate the other night"?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Ahh, the classics...
My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal, is now my water spout
Time was when, of its own accords, from my trousers it would spring
but now I have a full time job, just to find the blasted thing
It used to be embarrassing, the way it would behave
For every single morning, it would stand and watch me shave
But now as old age approaches, it sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its withered head, and watch me tie my shoes!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, Grandpa, what is sex?" The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"
The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple of secs."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man hasn't been feeling well so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
Afterwards the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what?..Months?..Weeks?..What?"
"Nine..."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, "surely I Can't Look That Old?" Well......you'll Love This One!
I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A New Dentist. I Noticed His Dds Diploma, Which Bore His Full Name.
Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark-haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 40-oddyears Ago.
Could He Be The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then?
Upon Seeing Him, However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought. This Balding, Gray-haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too Old To Have Been My Classmate.
Hmmm .......or Could He???
After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He Had Attended Morgan Park High School. "yes. Yes, I Did. I Had A Mustang," He Gleamed With Pride.
"when Did You Graduate?" I Asked.
He Answered, "in 1965. Why Do You Ask?"
"you Were In My Class!" I Exclaimed.
He Looked At Me Closely.
Then, That Ugly, Old, Wrinkled Son-of-a-b*tch Asked, "what did You Teach?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Video: Old Folks Having Fun
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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foots
the exterminator
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5241
Loc: by my spiritual advisor, Wu
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An old married couple was havin breakfast one morning when the old man suddenly exclaimed, "Martha! You remember when we used to have sex any time, any place?" Martha replied, "I sure do Sam, but that was 40 years ago. Do you think we oughta try one more time?"
Sam agreed, so they stipped down naked right at the kitchen table, where Martha quickly exclaimed, "Dammit Sam, you still make my nipples burn like they're on fire." Sam looked at his wife and said, " That's because your left nipple is in the oatmeal, and the right one's in your coffee."
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I was born kicking, screaming, and covered in someone elses blood. I have no problem goin out the same way.
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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And, his you-know-what was probably in the heated waffle syrup. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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It was fun being a baby boomer... until now.
Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.
They include:
Herman's Hermits--- Mrs.. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.
Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends
The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.
Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.
Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.
Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now
Paul Simon---Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.
Marvin Gaye--- Heard It Through the Grape Nuts.
Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.
Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.
The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.
Abba--- Denture Queen.
Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.
Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.
Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.
And last but not least:
Willie Nelson--- On the Commode Again
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed Send.
His mother answered and I told her what happened.
"Don't worry," she said. "I'll take care of it."
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."
"Martin," she said. "You left your cell phone at the convenience store."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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The middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over at the waist, as
his wife helped him into the doctor's waiting room. A woman in the
office viewed the scene in sympathy. "Arthritis with complications?"
she asked.
The wife shook her head, "No. Do-it-yourself," she explained,
"with concrete blocks."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.
The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.
"Gladys!" he exclaimed. "For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in .... You look like an asshole."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Don't think kids today know what an apron is.
The principal use of Grandma's apron was to protect the dress underneath, but along with that, it served as a potholder for removing hot pans from the oven.
It was wonderful for drying children's tears, and on occasion was even used for cleaning out dirty ears.
From the chicken coop, the apron was used for carrying eggs, fussy chicks, and sometimes half-hatched eggs to be finished in the warming oven.
When company came, those aprons were ideal hiding places for shy kids.
And when the weather was cold, grandma wrapped it around her arms.
Those big old aprons wiped many a perspiring brow, bent over the hot wood stove.
Chips and kindling wood were brought into the kitchen in that apron.
From the garden, it carried all sorts of vegetables. After the peas had been shelled, it carried out the hulls.
In the fall, the apron was used to bring in apples that had fallen from the trees.
When unexpected company drove up the road, it was surprising how much furniture that old apron could dust in a matter of seconds.
When dinner was ready, Grandma walked out onto the porch, waved her apron, and the men knew it was time to come in from the fields to dinner.
It will be a long time before someone invents something that will replace that "old-time apron" that served so many purposes.
Send this to those who would know, and love the story about Grandma's aprons.
REMEMBER.........
Grandma used to set her hot baked apple pies on the window sill to cool.
Her granddaughters set theirs on the kitchen counter to thaw.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two very elderly friends, Max and Wally, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Wally didn't show up Max didn't think much about it, figured maybe he had a cold or some such. But after Wally hadn't shown up for a week or so Max really got worried. However, the only time they ever got together anymore (they used to play a lot of golf together) was at the park, and Max couldn't remember where Wally lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month passed and Max figured old Wally had gone to his heavenly reward, but one day Max approached the park and, lo and behold, there sat Wally! Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so! Then he said, "For crying out loud Wally, what happened to you???"
Wally replied, "I have been in jail." "Jail???," cried Max!! "What in the world for???"
"Well," Wally said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?" "Yeah" said MAX, "I remember her. What about her?" "Well one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think an old fart like me could still do, that when I got into court, I pled 'Guilty'.
The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who Tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So the doctor Refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, He throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with Billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall Rise for as long as you wish!"
The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies: "All you, or your partner, have to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned -- it will Not work again for another year!"
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowe ss . That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, Shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and Lying next to her says, "123."
He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ... Just as the medicine man had promised.
Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"
And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A son placed his father into a nursing home. The next day the father called his son & said, "Son, you were right! I LOVE this place it is so great here. Thank you so much for making the decision!"
"That's swell dad," said the son. "What makes it so great?"
"Well" replied the dad, "Last night I was in my room & from out of nowhere, I got an erection. A nurse came in, saw me & gave me a blowjob! I haven't had one of those in 30 or 40 years!
"That's great dad," said the son.
A few days later the father called his son again & said "You have to get me out of here! I hate this place! I can't live here any more!"
"What's wrong pop?" asked the son.
"Last night I fell down in the hallway. I was getting up & when I was on my hands & knees, a male nurse came along & sodomized me!"
The son said, "Dad, I know that's terrible but you have to understand, sometimes we have to take the good with the bad.
"No son" said the dad. "You don't understand! I get an erection maybe once a year! I fall down two or three times a week!!!!!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing?
Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.
The old man slowly looked down between his legs then back at him and said,
'Well... Last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
'This is your grandma's idea.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A doctor buys a new Ferrari GTO the most expensive car in the world, and it costs $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a Moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!"
"That's a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!" states the doctor proudly.
The Moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then, sitting back on his Moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right...but I'll stick with my Moped!"
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly....WHHHOOOOOOSSSSSHHH! Something whips by him going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the doctor asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped!! Amazd that the Moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph. WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN! Astounded by the speed of this old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the Moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari is flat out, and there's nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the Moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh My Gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man whispers, "Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his >toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture n focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom banging' her boyfriend."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Q: Where can men over the age of 50 find young,
sexy girl, who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction
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Q: What can a man do while his
wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools,
you can finish the basement.
When you are done you will have a place to live.
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Q: How can you increase the heart rate
of your 50+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
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Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle
every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you're in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.
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Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
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Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems
with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.
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Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
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Q: Where do 50+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
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Q: What is the most common remark made by
50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "I remember these".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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|
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house. Mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project, you realize you need to run to Wal*Mart to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Take a shower, blow-dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick/hunk while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl/handsome guy running the register.
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick/hunk, so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl/handsome guy running the register is the kid sister/brother of someone you went to school with.
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal*Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's/son's age and you feel weird thinking she/he is spicy.
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes, because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore, because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she/he sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy's bait shop and it says, "I Got Worms."
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose off the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing shows through the hole in your pants. The girl/guy running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on, so you are not sure.
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal*Mart until they have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't' even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her/him of her grandmother/grandfather.
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember that you needed to go to Wal*Mart. Go to Wal*Mart and wonder around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. The old lady/gent that greeted you at the front door went to school with you.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old I'm telling everybody."
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!
1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat.
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.
Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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Not if you are a fast reader.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
|
Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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IDLE THOUGHTS OF A RETIREE -
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
*****
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
*****
I went to San Francisco . I found someone's heart. Now what?
*****
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
*****
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
*****
If logic prevailed, men would be the ones who ride horses side saddle.
*****
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
*****
They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
*****
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when
he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
*****
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
*****
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
*****
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
*****
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
*****
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
*****
How can there be self-help "groups"?
*****
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
*****
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
*****
Is it me--or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull . But that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close
My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --
Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter. ....either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
|
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DENTURES & GOLF
A couple of old guys were golfing one day, when one of the men said that he was going to go to Dr. Basil for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.
"Is that so?" the first old gentleman asked. "Did he do a good job?"
The second gent replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the testicles."
The first old guy was confused and asked, "What does that have to do with your dentures?"
The second man answered, "That was the first time in two years that my teeth didn't hurt."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
|
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Yesterday I got my Preparation 'H' mixed up with Poli-Grip.
NOW , I talk like an asshole...
...but my gums don't itch
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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|
Arthur is 90 years old.
He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it", he tells his wife.
"I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad.... once I've hit the
ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes, and pours him a cold drink.
As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and
give it one more try?"
"That's no good" sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three.
He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his
brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to his brother-in-law and asks,
"Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!"
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"I can't remember."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
"May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"
"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see the baby now?"
"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"
"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he cries?"
"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM. O.K.?????"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
|
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Skinny Dipping...
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "we're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm just here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast.
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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An older, very dignified gentleman went to his travel agent
and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his
lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were
booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment,
but that he would see what he could do.
A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he
could get them onto a three-day cruise. The gentleman was
disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it,
and then went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three
condoms.
The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now
could upgrade him to a five-day cruise.
The gentleman said, "Great, I'll take it!" And he returned
to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more
condoms.
The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and
said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on
an eight-day cruise.
The gentleman was elated and, went back to the drugstore.
He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said,
"Look, I'm not trying to pry, but if it makes you sick, why
do you keep doing it?"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
|
|
You gotta get it when you can. 
--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
|
Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
|
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SEX WITH AN OLDER MAN
When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.
Oprah asked, 'Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable.'
George said, 'I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.'
Oprah said, 'I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.'
George said, 'Of course I still do the sex thing and I am quite good at it'
Oprah said, 'I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?'
So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, 'I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied, you are a remarkable man.'
George said, 'The second time is even better than the first time.'
Oprah said, 'You can really do it again at your age?'
George said, 'Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes. '
When she woke him up they again had great sex and Oprah was beside herself with joy. She said, 'Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!'
George said that the third time would be even better. George said, 'You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and call me in thirty minutes.'
Oprah said, 'Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?'
George said, 'No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman, she stole my wallet!'
--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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|
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her and tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma; you're looking good! How are they treating you? '
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the grandson, 'They won't let me fart.'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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|
I've often been asked, "what do you old guys do now that you're retired?"
Well, I have a friend who has a chemical background and one of the things we enjoy most is turning beer, bourbon, wine, and martinis into urine.
And, we're pretty damn good at it!!"
--------------------
Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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UPON HEARING THAT HER ELDERLY GRANDFATHER HAD JUST PASSED AWAY, SARAH WENT STRAIGHT TO HER GRANDPARENT'S HOUSE TO VISIT HER 95-YEAR-OLD GRANDMOTHER AND COMFORT HER.
WHEN SHE ASKED HOW HER GRANDFATHER HAD DIED, HER GRANDMOTHER REPLIED, 'HE HAD A HEART ATTACK WHILE WE WERE MAKING LOVE ON SUNDAY MORNING.'
HORRIFIED, SARAH TOLD HER GRANDMOTHER THAT 2 PEOPLE NEARLY 100 YEARS OLD HAVING SEX WOULD SURELY BE ASKING FOR TROUBLE.
'OH NO, MY DEAR,' REPLIED GRANNY. 'MANY YEARS AGO, REALIZING OUR ADVANCED AGE, WE FIGURED OUT THE BEST TIME TO DO IT WAS WHEN THE CHURCH BELLS WOULD START TO RING. IT WAS JUST THE RIGHT RHYTHM. NICE AND SLOW AND EVEN... NOTHING TOO STRENUOUS, SIMPLY IN ON THE DING AND OUT ON THE DONG.'
SHE PAUSED TO WIPE A WAY A TEAR, AND CONTINUED, 'HE'D STILL BE ALIVE IF THAT DAMN ICE CREAM TRUCK HADN'T COME ALONG.'!!!!!!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.
After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said. 'I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back.
'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied. Let's see you do it.'
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, 'All right, Dumb A$$, get in.'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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|
Walking can add minutes to your life
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he is 97 years old and we don't know where he is.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to go there.
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately, my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
AND
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
An old derilict cuss is hospitalized for some tests after being found unconscious on the city streets.
The morning of the second day of his visit, one of his young nurses aids walks in with a glass jar in her hand.
"Good Morning, Mr. Jones, I need some urine today," she says.
The old man gives her a big toothless grin and winks, "I been wantin some of your'n too but I was afraid to ask."
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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|
An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.
"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
Two elderly ladies are sitting together in church.
About half way through the sermon, one leaned and whispered, "Woof ! My butt went to sleep."
The other whispered back, "I know, I heard it snore a couple times."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
SENIORS DRESS CODE
Many of us 'Old Folks' (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves.
We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together And should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Bikini swimsuit and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short short s and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least
13. Thongs and Depends ................CAN YOU JUST PICTURE THIS?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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|
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming up,' says the bartender
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma 'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
‘WHERE Is My SUNDAY Paper?’ The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know where her Sunday edition was.
‘Ma'am’, said the newspaper employee, ‘today is Saturday ... the Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on Sunday.’
There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition... As she was heard to mutter 'Well chit... So that's why no one was at church today.'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
|
|
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around -- in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained a nd scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'
--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
|
Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
|
|
Old Prospector vs. Young Gunslinger...
An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day ... He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.
He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to.'
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'
The lessons from this story are:
1. Don't waste ammunition.
2. Don't mess with old people.
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I just love a story with a happy ending
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Dignified Death
From the self-composed obituary in the Casper (Wyo.) Star Tribune of James William "Jim" Adams, who died September 9th: "Jim, who had tired of reading obituaries noting other's [sic] courageous battles with this or that disease, wanted it known that he had lost his battle ... primarily as a result of ... not following doctor's orders. ... He was sadly deprived of his final wish, which was to be run over by a beer truck on the way to the liquor store to buy booze for a date." [Casper Star Tribune, 9-23-08]
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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To make it stand,
You wet it !
To make it wet,
You suck it !
To make it stiff,
You lick it !
To get it in,
You push it!
Damn !!!!!!!
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Threading a needle when you're older is a real biatch!!!!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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An old fellow was celebrating 92 years on this Earth.
He spoke to his toes.
Hello, toes!' he said. 'How are you, toes? You know,you are 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember we walked in the park in summer every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!'
'Hello, knees,' he continued. 'How are you, knees? You know you're 92 today. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday knees!'
Then, he looked down at his crotch. 'Hello Willie! You little bugger, if you were alive today, you'd be 92.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered?'
And that, my friends, is the sad definition of 'OLD'!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says:
'Ya know, when I was thirty and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.
By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard.
By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about twenty degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be sixty next week, and now I can bend it in half with just one hand.'
'So,' says the second drunk, 'what's your point?'
'Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Life Before the Computer
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress'."
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Woman, 78, sues to get back in senior center card game
By BARRY ADAMS 608-252-6148 badams@madison.com
A 78-year-old Monroe woman who was banned from a city-owned senior center in Monroe after complaining about how a card game was being scored filed a federal lawsuit against the facility, alleging the center violated her free speech rights and that its code of conduct is vague and overly broad.
Edith Milestone wants a jury trial on the matter that came to a head in October. That’s when she was issued a letter by Tammy Derrickson, director of the Behring Senior Center, saying Milestone didn’t treat others with respect, used abusive language and engaged in physically threatening conduct, all of which violated the center’s code of conduct.
In the Oct. 24 letter, Derrickson said Milestone’s conduct during the card party the day before and in “numerous other incidents” led to the ban.
“I regret that I was forced to take this action, but feel you have left me with no other choice,” Derrickson wrote.
All participants in senior center programs are required to follow the code of conduct, which is posted on every floor of the center, Derrickson said in the letter.
Derrickson said Thursday she was unaware of the lawsuit and declined comment. Monroe city attorney Rex Ewald could not be reached.
The Monroe senior citizens board that oversees the senior center in December affirmed Derrickson’s decision but said it would consider reinstating Milestone if she could prove she completed an anger management program.
Milestone, according to the lawsuit, has been a longtime user of the center and has participated in a number of programs.
The lawsuit contends the center’s actions violated Milestone’s 1st and 14th Amendment rights guaranteeing freedom of expression and due process, respectively.
In addition to a trial, the lawsuit asks that the code of conduct be thrown out and Milestone be awarded compensation.
“She, in my view, is entitled to (compensation), but her main goal is to be able to enjoy the senior center,” said her attorney, Ray Clausen of Madison.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said 'Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach.
Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.'
The pastor shouted out 'CROSS.'
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, 'THE OLD RUGGED CROSS..'
The pastor hollered out 'GRACE.' The congregation began to sing 'AMAZING GRACE,?how sweet the sound.'
The pastor said 'POWER.' The congregation sang 'THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.'
The Pastor said 'SEX' The congregation fell into total silence.
Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church,
A little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing 'PRECIOUS MEMORIES.'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.
Handing the attendant $5.00, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."
"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Another year has passed
and we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
and winter seems much colder.
There was a time not long ago
when life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
about 'Living in the Past'
We used to go to weddings,
football games and lunches.
Now we go to funeral homes,
and after-funeral brunches.
We used to have hangovers,
from parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
and while the night away.
We used to go out dining,
and couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
come home and take a pill.
We used to often travel
to places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
from riding in the car.
We used to go to nightclubs
and drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night and
watch the evening news.
That my friend is how life is
And now my tale is told
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
before you're too damned old!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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So you're a senior citizen and the Government says no health care for you! What do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a Gun and 4 bullets. Your are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of course this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day a roof over your head and all the health care you need! New teeth no problem. Need glasses great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered. And who will be paying for all of this? The same Government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner you don't have to pay any income tax's any more!
What a country!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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After his examination, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After I have sex, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the Second time. Do you know why?'
"Oh, that stupid old bastard''
she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August.”
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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I can relate!!! 
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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An elderly Scottish Jew decides to take it a little easier and take up golf. So he puts his name down at the local club. After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down. So he goes down to the club to enquire why.
Secretary: "You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?"
Scot: "Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, Jock."
Secretary: "This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts."
Scot: "Aye, so do I."
Secretary: "You are aware, that we wear nothing under our kilts?"
Scot: "Aye, neither do I."
Secretary: "But you are a Jew?"
Scot: "Aye, I be that."
Secretary: "So, you are circumcised?"
Scot: "Aye, I be that too."
Secretary: "I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that."
Scot: "Ach, away wi' ye, man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Columbus. But this is the first time I heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
Edited by SwampFox (08/29/11 12:56 PM)
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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I pointed to two drunks sitting across the bar from us and told my friend, " That's us in 10 years."
He said, "that's a mirror, dip-chit!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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SENIOR ALERT!
To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Old Age Pension and Health Care costs.
Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.
I started to cry when I thought of you. Then it dawned on me ...
Oh, crap...I'll see you on the bus!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Was working in the yard when a late model Buick came crashing through my hedge and onto the front lawn. I rushed to help the (very) elderly looking lady driver out of the car, and sat her down on a lawn chair. It seemed she was neither hurt nor fazed by the mishap.
"You appear quite elderly to be driving." I said
"Well, yes I am (rather proudly). I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore.
With arched eyebrows - "Don't need a driver's license anymore?"
"Oh, no. The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the wastebasket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for a burger. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes, and that cute girl in Social Studies lived on the same street and they might see her.
Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys, discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge, and there were a lot of cute girls.
Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner—Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym, and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.
Ten years later, at 45, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner—Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses were really good looking.
Ten years later, now 55, —Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list, and fish is good for your cholesterol.
Ten years later, at 65 years—Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.
Ten years later, at 75 years of age, — Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.
Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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With all the new technology regarding fertility, recently a 75-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.
A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle.
A tipsy-looking, curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing.
'Fishing,' the old man said simply.
'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.
As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky,
The gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught?'
‘You're the eighth,' the old man answered.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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50 years together…….
Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
"Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift.
"Not to worry," said the father. "Important thing is we're all together today.
Son No. 2 arrived.
"You and Mom look great, Dad, I just flew in from LA between depositions & didn't have time to shop for you."
"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."
Just then the daughter arrived.
"Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town & I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.
"You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college. Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."
The three children gasped and said, "WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"
“Yep”, said the father, “Cheap ones too” !!!!
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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People think I go out of my way to piss them off.
Trust me. It's not out of my way at all.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years.
The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes".
The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was!
"Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..."
After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call.
Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.
"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called.
I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled,"volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! said a fourth.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "thankfully, we can all still drive."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.
If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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