Cafeoutdoors.com: Jokes For The Seriously Deranged

A bartender is alone in his bar, reading the paper when his young son runs in breathless and excited with a turtle in his hands.

"Dad, look what I found! Can I keep it?"

The bartender looks at his son, looks at the turtle and says, "I don't know, you already have two dogs and a fish. Give me the turtle, I'll put it in a box from the back and I'll think about it, ok?"

That's good enough for the kid and he runs back out to play. The bartender goes in the back, finds an empty box, puts the turtle in it and places it under the bar to think about the possibility of a new pet.

A few minutes later a drunk staggers in, sits down and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Get lost, you're already drunk. I'm not serving you".

The drunk takes a look around and notices 3 dart boards on the far back wall and asks, "Do they play darts here?" The bartender, annoyed, answers, "Of course they do, that's why the dart boards are up".

The drunk says, "I'll make you a deal. You give me one dart and I'll throw it from where I sit, and if I throw a bullseye in the middle board, you give me a drink. If I don't I'll walk out of here and never return."

The bartender figures he has nothing to lose seeing the impossibility of the task, so he reaches under the bar, pulls out a dart and lays it on the bar in front of the drunk.

Quick as lightning the drunk picks up the dart, spins around in the chair and fires it across the room in a perfect arc, straight to the bullseye of the center board.

The bartender's mouth drops open in disbelief, and before he can say anything the drunk says, "Maker's Mark please".

After the drunk downed the shot, the bartender says, "That was amazing luck, now get out of here". As the drunk is heading to the door the bartender looks down and notices the turtle. "WAIT!, he says to the drunk. I have a prize for you!" He reaches under the bar, picks up the box with the turtle and gives it to the drunk.

The drunk says with joy, "A PRIZE, THANK YOU!", and out the door he goes.

A year later the bartender is standing at his empty bar, reading the paper when a drunk staggers in, sits down and asks for a whiskey. The bartender says, "You're already drunk. Get lost".

The drunk looks at him and says, "You don't remember me do you?" The bartender says, "You look a little familiar, but I can't place you".

The drunk says, "Some time ago I came in and made you a bet that I could throw a bullseye in the center dartboard from this stool." The bartender says, "Oh, I remember you now. That was an incredibly lucky throw."

The drunk says, "Same deal?". The bartender, knowing that lightning doesn't strike the same place twice says, "Sure, have at it" , and gives the drunk a dart. Quck as lightning that doesn't strike the same place twice, the drunk spins on the stool and fires a perfect bullseye strike in the center dartboard.

Before the dumbfounded bartender can say a word the drunk says, "Maker's Mark please".

When he had downed the shot, the bartender says, "Sir, you are the luckiest man I've ever met. Now please leave and don't come back."

The drunk says, "That's fine sir, but what about my prize?"

"Your prize?"

"Yes, last time you gave me a prize".

The bartender says, "I don't remember giving you a prize. What did I give you?"

The drunk says, "A roast beef on a hard roll".

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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."