SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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There was a bar man who owned a duck who danced on a tin box.
He sold it to another bar man who phoned him later asking how to make him stop.
He replied "Open the tin and blow out the candles!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem that more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, Shingles. So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, shingles. The doctor asked, "Where?"
Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them??"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A GOOD PUN HAS ITS OWN RE-WORD
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
A backwards poet writes inverse.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism, your count votes.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine .
When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.
The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.
Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."
"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever." She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"
"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.
"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"
The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says,"Liver alone. Cheese mine."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man was sentenced to prison, where the warden assigned him to learn carpentry. The man became the best carpenter in the prison. When the warden remodeled his kitchen, he asked the man to fit a new countertop. The man refused. When the warden asked why, he said, "I'd like to do it, but ...
it was counterfeiting that got me into prison."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Test 222
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Arthur Bernard Theopolis Workman grew tired of his pissy lil job as a lawyer out of Canada.
He had just watched a movie about a hitman and decided that was a job for him.Fast cars,faster wimmen,champainge(sp) and the French Riviera.
He didn't know where to begin his new job.He decided to go see The Godfather.He knew they used hitmen all the time.
He inquired at The Godfathers house if he could see The Godfather.The giant goon that answered the door was just about to throw Arthur into oncoming traffic,but as luck would have it,The Dom himself overheard the lil pissants request for an audience.He told the goon to let the guy in.
Arthur followed The Dom and the goon out to the veranda.
He was offered a seat across the table from The Godfather himself.
Arthur went on to tell these people about his new career adventure.
The laughter was thunderous.
After The Dom and the others dried their eyes and regained their composure,The Dom said he might have some 'Work' for Arthur.
It seems a 'eyewitness was going to testify against The Dom in court.The Dom couldn't let this happen.He gave Arthur a dosseir with the witnesses where abouts and pictures.
Arthur was delighted and wanted to know if The Mob would supply him with a firearm?The only time Arthur used a gun was to take a bear out of season.
The Godfather said that Arthur would have to pull this off by himself since all the new gun control measures were keeping the guns out of the bad guys hands.
Also,the name Arthur didn't sound hitman enough.And since Arthur had to do this deed with what he had,he would have to use his brain and intellect.
Therefore The Dom gave him the name of " Artie the Artful."
Artie wanted to know how many tens of thousands of dollars The Dom is going to pay.
Again loud laughter and guffaws.
The Dom said since this was Arties first job and that The Dom was doing Artie the favor of getting him into the Hitman bidness,He would be paid ONE DOLLAR.
The Dom saw the look of sadness on Arties face and told him that if he pulled this off,Arties earnings would be in the millions.
The Dom even had one of his goons drive Artie home.
Artie fixed himself a bowl of Count Chocula cereal and opened the folder The Dom had given him.
Inside was a picture of a Blue Haired old Lady useing a walker.The data sheet listed her as being 93 years old.
The sheet also said this ole lady shopped at Krogers grocery store every Wednesday.That was senior day and every senior got 10% off of their purchase.
Artie shows up at Krogers and hangs around until he spies his victim.She is ancient and hardly gets around by herself.Artie has no gun,knife or garrot so he decides to strangle the biatch.
He just grabs her by the neck and squeezes until she departs this life.It was easier than he thought.
As he turns to hightail it outta there,he runs into a 7 year old girl that witnessed the whole thing.He can't have that so he strangles the girl too.
As he makes his way thru the parking lot to the bus stop (Canadian Courts took his liscence on a DUI conviction)he runs into a Quadraplegic in a wheel chair that saw him choke the girl.
Artie can't have any witnesses so he throttles this guy too.
Artie finally makes it home.
He draws all the curtains,locks the doors and puts on his Spiderman jammies.
He sits up all night with his stuffed Pooh Bear.
As dawn breaks,he hears the newspaper hit the front porch.
After peeking out to see if anyone is around,he grabs the paper and slams the door shut.
With trembling hands he unrolls the paper.
There in the main headline,it states..........
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,
,Artie Chokes Three For A Dollar At Krogers.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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I was told that the toilet was stole at the local police station yesterday.
The police said they don't have anything to go on....
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Let me tell you about my doctor. He is very good. If you tell him you want a second opinion, he will go out and come in again.
He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he realized she was Chinese.
Another time he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
While he was talking to me his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he is invisible." The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."
Another time a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor, doctor, my son just swallowed a roll of film." The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."
One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem." The doctor asked, "When did it start? "The man replied, "When did what start?"
I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His advice: "Don't answer it."
My doctor sure has his share of nut cases. One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell." The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these. If they don't work, give me a ring."
Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places.
You know, doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half for an appointment he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy just standing around, next to a stack of boxes. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!
The new CEO walked up to the guy and asked "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Dominos
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Newfoundlander living in Toronto decided to visit the Metro zoo. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant
could look at a person and tell that person's age.
The Newfie was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms.
The trainer had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times. "Is that right?" he asked the boy. "Oh yes," the boy said.
The Newfie was very loud in expressing his disbelief, so the man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several other people, and each time the
elephant stamped his foot, the people said he was correct.
The Newfie got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the trainer could take it no longer and offered to bet the Newfie that the
elephant could look at him and tell him his age.
The Newfie accepted the wager. The elephant looked very closely at the skeptical Newfie,then turned around, raised his tail and broke wind like you wouldn't believe. Then he stomped his foot twice.
The Newfie stumbled back - AMAZED! - and with disbelief in his voice, cried, "Lard tunderin' Jaysus b'y, he's right ... I'm farty-two!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Police in Kansas City arrested a 98 year old prostitute today.
According to sources she was advertising in the yellow pages.
A department spokesperson admitted that she was the oldest trick in the book.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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SF,
Maybe, she was the one that people were talking about when they said, "Have you ever had a horse eat oats out of your hand?". Who knows, she might be able to "strangely arouse" Bubba. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Two guys decided to try and find sasquatch. So they were in a depot store buying supplies and an Indian asked them what they were doing.
The guys replied "We're trying to find sasquatch."
The Indian said "Never heard of it, what is it like?"
The guys said "Well, we know its big, hairy and stinky"
The Indian replied "Ohh, you mean squaw snatch"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
* Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
* We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
* The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)
* A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two-tired.
* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
* A backward poet writes inverse.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Did you hear about the Amish woman that wanted a divorce.
She claimed her husband "Drove her buggy".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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did you hear about the guy who told his psychiatrist that some nights he dreamed he was a wig-wam and some nights he dreamed he was a tee-pee?
The doctor told him "You're too tense!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Q) why do sharks swim in salt water?
A) because pepper water makes them sneeze
Q) what kind of fish has 2 knees?
A) a 2-knee fish
Q) why did they call it the dark ages?
A) because there were so many knights
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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What's the difference between a Ritz Cracker and a lesbian?
One of them is a snack cracker.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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How do you know when a terrorist has become a man?
When the diaper comes off the rear, and is put on the head.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A West Virginia man spoke frantically into the phone, 'my wife is pregnant and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?", the doctor asked.
"No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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For you Ford drivers......
The three Goldberg brothers
The three Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hyman, and Maximillian invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.
On July 17th, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97.
The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that 3 gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130 - turned on the air-conditioner and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man Ford got very excited and invited them back to the office, where the offered them 3 million dollars for the patent.
The brothers refused saying they would settle for 2 million but they wanted the recognition by having a label "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner" on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.
Now old man Ford was not a bit anti-Semitic, but there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on 2 million Ford cars.
They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on 4 million dollars and that just their first names would be shown.
And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls the names "Norm, Hi, and Max".
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year. If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface. This would explain the death of the dinosaurs...the tallest ones, anyway.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Q. How do you circumcise a whale?
A. Send down four skin divers
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Did you know Captain Hook died from jock itch?
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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