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SwampFoxModerator
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Re: Wemmen, Go Figure... [Re: Mel]
      #234155 - 12/02/12 04:54 PM

Wife says to husband, "You only want sex when You're drunk"

Husband says, "That's not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"

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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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SwampFoxModerator
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Re: Wemmen, Go Figure... [Re: SwampFox]
      #234157 - 12/02/12 04:56 PM

Bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great!
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Wemmen, Go Figure... [Re: SwampFox]
      #234198 - 12/04/12 06:52 PM

A guy in the waiting room told me that if TV didn't start getting better he was going back to listening to his wife.

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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Wemmen, Go Figure... [Re: SwampFox]
      #234199 - 12/04/12 06:54 PM

Two Texas politicians were having a heated debate. One shouted, "Yeah, but what about the powerful interests that control you?"
The other one yelled back, "You leave my wife out of this."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Wemmen, Go Figure... [Re: SwampFox]
      #234435 - 12/15/12 11:28 PM

I've had three wives.

They were all good house keepers.

When we got divorced they kept the houses.

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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Wemmen, Go Figure... [Re: SwampFox]
      #234436 - 12/15/12 11:30 PM

A recent article in the Express & Star reported that a woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied, “The man was actually admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight...”

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Wemmen, Go Figure... [Re: SwampFox]
      #234829 - 12/30/12 01:08 AM

Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After along period of silence she finally speaks.

Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing.
Maybe you should sell your guns and boat.

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't “

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Wemmen, Go Figure... [Re: SwampFox]
      #235748 - 01/31/13 11:16 PM

My wife, being the romantic sort, just sent me a text...

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams
If you are laughing, send me your smile
If you are eating, send me a bite
If you are drinking, send me a sip
If you are crying, send me your tears
I love you


I replied...

I'm taking a crap. What should I do?

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Wemmen, Go Figure... [Re: SwampFox]
      #235749 - 02/01/13 04:06 AM

Like a Hallmark card........when you want to send your very best

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Re: Wemmen, Go Figure... [Re: wuchang]
      #236122 - 02/13/13 07:51 PM

The Valentines Day Ambush(as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided, for Valentines day, to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Zorro?"

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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


Edited by SwampFox (02/13/13 07:53 PM)


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Ozark
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Re: Wemmen, Go Figure... [Re: SwampFox]
      #236156 - 02/15/13 05:05 PM

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, last night I hid in the shed behind the boat. About midnight she came home and got out of someone's car while buttoning her dress, then she took her underwear out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?


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Re: Wemmen, Go Figure... [Re: Ozark]
      #236547 - 03/03/13 10:55 PM

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

"Have you ever seen a fifty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.

"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Wemmen, Go Figure... [Re: SwampFox]
      #236852 - 03/20/13 11:41 AM

Guiseppe and Marie were to get maried in the old italian pre-arrainged method. After the celebrated day, it became apparant that they were not getting along well, so after a short while they were directed to go see the preist to discuss their marital problems.

The preist says "ok Maria, what seems to be the problem"

Maria says "its that Giuseppe. He picka his nosa, he picka his nosa, he neva talka to me and when we maka love he always on top!

The preist turns to Giuseppe and says "ok Guiseppe, what do you have to say to these accusations?"

Guiseppe says "My papa, he a very wisa man. When me an Maria gets a married, he taka me aside and he a tells me "Giusepppe, you keepa you nose a clean, you keepa you mouth a shut and you never screw up"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Wemmen, Go Figure... [Re: SwampFox]
      #236980 - 03/27/13 03:36 PM

A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the check-up was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor said, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Wemmen, Go Figure... [Re: SwampFox]
      #236999 - 03/29/13 11:40 AM

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week.Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.
I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, “My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?” I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal .. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, “Mommy, where’s my washcloth?”

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, “No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.”

Never going back to that doctor again……….. never.

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Wemmen, Go Figure... [Re: SwampFox]
      #237517 - 04/30/13 01:49 PM

Benjamin Franklin, Advice to a Young Man on the Choice of a Mistress (1745).



June 25, 1745

My dear Friend,

I know of no Medicine fit to diminish the violent natural Inclinations you mention; and if I did, I think I should not communicate it to you. Marriage is the proper Remedy. It is the most natural State of Man, and therefore the State in which you are most likely to find solid Happiness. Your Reasons against entering into it at present, appear to me not well-founded. The circumstantial Advantages you have in View by postponing it, are not only uncertain, but they are small in comparison with that of the Thing itself, the being married and settled. It is the Man and Woman united that make the compleat human Being. Separate, she wants his Force of Body and Strength of Reason; he, her Softness, Sensibility and acute Discernment. Together they are more likely to succeed in the World. A single Man has not nearly the Value he would have in that State of Union. He is an incomplete Animal. He resembles the odd Half of a Pair of Scissars. If you get a prudent healthy Wife, your Industry in your Profession, with her good Economy, will be a Fortune sufficient.

But if you will not take this Counsel, and persist in thinking a Commerce with the Sex inevitable, then I repeat my former Advice, that in all your Amours you should prefer old Women to young ones. You call this a Paradox, and demand my Reasons. They are these:

i. Because as they have more Knowledge of the World and their Minds are better stor'd with Observations, their Conversation is more improving and more lastingly agreable.

2. Because when Women cease to be handsome, they study to be good. To maintain their Influence over Men, they supply the Diminution of Beauty by an Augmentation of Utility. They learn to do a 1000 Services small and great, and are the most tender and useful of all Friends when you are sick. Thus they continue amiable. And hence there is hardly such a thing to be found as an old Woman who is not a good Woman.

3. Because there is no hazard of Children, which irregularly produc'd may be attended with much Inconvenience.

4. Because thro' more Experience, they are more prudent and discreet in conducting an Intrigue to prevent Suspicion. The Commerce with them is therefore safer with regard to your Reputation. And with regard to theirs, if the Affair should happen to be known, considerate People might be rather inclin'd to excuse an old Woman who would kindly take care of a young Man, form his Manners by her good Counsels, and prevent his ruining his Health and Fortune among mercenary Prostitutes.

5. Because in every Animal that walks upright, the Deficiency of the Fluids that fill the Muscles appears first in the highest Part: The Face first grows lank and wrinkled; then the Neck; then the Breast and Arms; the lower Parts continuing to the last as plump as ever: So that covering all above with a Basket, and regarding2 only what is below the Girdle, it is impossible of two Women to know an old from a young one. And as in the dark all Cats are grey, the Pleasure of corporal Enjoyment with an old Woman is at least equal, and frequently superior, every Knack being by Practice capable of Improvement.

6. Because the Sin is less. The debauching a Virgin may be her Ruin, and make her for Life unhappy.

7. Because the Compunction is less. The having made a young Girl miserable may give you frequent bitter Reflections; none of which can attend the making an old Woman happy.

8thly and Lastly They are so grateful!!

Thus much for my Paradox. But still I advise you to marry directly; being sincerely Your affectionate Friend.

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Wemmen, Go Figure... [Re: SwampFox]
      #237697 - 05/11/13 11:41 AM

Having a girl dump you and say "We can still be friends"

Is like having your mom say "Your dog died but you can still keep it"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Wemmen, Go Figure... [Re: SwampFox]
      #237698 - 05/11/13 02:38 PM



--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Wemmen, Go Figure... [Re: SwampFox]
      #237706 - 05/12/13 01:19 AM

The mother-in-law comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing his suitcase.

"What happened?" she asked.

Son in law: "What happened? - I'll tell you what happenned! I sent an email to Mary saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what I found?....... My wife, yes your daughter, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!"

"Calm down!" says mother-in-law, "There is something odd about this story. Mary would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what happened."

Moments later she comes back with a big smile.
"You see, I told you there must be a simple explanation..............

Mary didn't receive your email!!"

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Wemmen, Go Figure... [Re: SwampFox]
      #237889 - 05/22/13 12:34 PM

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner.

His wife screams at him: "My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?”

"Because he's considering getting married..."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Wemmen, Go Figure... [Re: SwampFox]
      #237948 - 05/27/13 10:24 PM

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, and for fruit, cereal and soda in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy William, we won't be long, easy, boy." Another outburst, and she hears the grandpa calmly say, "It's okay, William just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax. Don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William." Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William .......this little fork...'s name is Kevin."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Wemmen, Go Figure... [Re: SwampFox]
      #238035 - 06/02/13 02:49 AM



--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Wemmen, Go Figure... [Re: SwampFox]
      #238036 - 06/02/13 06:49 AM

Quote:

SwampFox said:

"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William .......this little fork...'s name is H20Dog."




SF,I fixed that last line for you.


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Re: Wemmen, Go Figure... [Re: hucklburry]
      #238214 - 06/15/13 02:59 PM

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.



When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch,

waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?


He never heard the gunshot.

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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Re: Wemmen, Go Figure... [Re: SwampFox]
      #238351 - 06/26/13 03:06 AM

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah ... She's purty good lookin'..."

--------------------
"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."


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