Cafeoutdoors.com: Flatulence And Other Bottom Of The Pyle Stuff

What is your most awkward learning experience?

Mine is the time that my Great Uncle taught me how to hunt. What was supposed to be a Rite of passage, turned out to be one of the most hilarious stories of My life...

"The greatest hunter in the world!" he said while pounding his hand on the table. "Why I can sneak up on a mouse, slit its throat and it wouldn't know for 3 days." His eyes twinkled as he pretended to remember the thought. My great-uncle Max always had a way of telling you a story and believing himself to be true. " if you come hunting with Me and Tom tomorrow, I'll show you a thing or two." He said. Me being a gullible 15 year old, loved the idea of going hunting with the "Greatest Hunter in the World". " what time do we need to be up?" I asked excitedly. " and what do I need to do to get ready?" Uncle Max smiled at me and waved his hand. "Just be here at the table about 4." He said. "I'll handle the rest."

That night I barely slept at all. When 4:00 finally came I rushed into the kitchen only to find the two old Hunters, already dressed and enjoying some breakfast. The breakfast in question was a tuna salad that Uncle Max called "The Greatest Tuna Salad in the World". I could never get the recipe off of him, but I can tell you that it did have Bell peppers, peas, onions, Mayo, celery, garlic cloves, more onions, beans, vinegar, boiled eggs, pickles and though I can never get him to admit it, but I'm pretty sure he had tuna fish in it. I sat down at the table with the two old men and some sandwiches were pushed underneath my nose. I've never been one to turn down a meal, but I've weathered Uncle Max's cooking before... Being in the spotlight and not wanting to look weak in front of these mighty Hunters, I picked up one of the sandwiches. With every nerve in my body screaming, I managed to bring the sandwich to my poker face and take a bite. The sensation was tremendous. My sinuses opened, my vision blurred, my ears popped and my equilibrium flipped on end. I'm not going to lie, it was the best tuna salad I have ever had. I finished the sandwich and quickly ate a second. (In fact I ate two more just to be sure I enjoyed them.)

After eating breakfast and drinking about two pots of coffee, the old men gathered their hunting belongings and got ready. "Here." said Uncle Max as he handed me a pair of worn, camo coveralls. "Put these on." I dressed and we all drew straws to see who would carry the gear and since I was the youngest they made sure I got the shortest straw. The gear consisted of a simple backpack, filled to the brim with what felt like cast iron anvils and a roll of toilet paper.

We stepped out the house and and Lesson one Began. "AJ." Said Uncle Max as he pointed a finger at me. " I have discovered, in my years of experience hunting, that the best way to smell while you're in the woods is to smell like nothing at all. Critters detect predators by their scent first and that's why it is important to Un-Smell yourself." I nodded instinctively. My excited boy brain was already awashed with Buck Fever and the best I could do was "zombie" forward. Uncle Max then proceeded to spray Tom and I down with his patented "Greatest Un-Smeller in the World" (It was also at this point that I started to see a product theme with this old man.)

After being thoroughly soaked with un-smeller, we started off. Uncle Max and Tom both leading the way as I was carrying the gear and was lagging a little behind. "AJ!" Uncle Max called out as he motioned me to hurry up. I threw myself into second gear and caught up with the old men. "We got to cross this corn field to get to our hunting spot" He said. "But the wind in to our backs so we're going to take the long way around so we can hide our scent." He pointed in a long sweeping arch as he spoke at a path that may have been 3 miles or so. Me, being the registered gear carrier, stated to let out a groan but quickly caught it and turned into a positive response. "Urrrrrrrrrrrr-K." I said.

We continued walking and after a bought 20 minutes or so and my stomach announced to me that it was having some difficulty doing it's daily task. Still not wanting to show any sign of weakness, I told it to hold off for as long as it could. It replied that it will try, but the gas pressure was rising... We continued on and I made a calculated decision to lag behind under the guise of fatigue. The Old men, none the wiser, continued a Whispered conversation on Theoretical Linear Transducing. (I think it was at least. They were hard to hear.) Once I had achieved enough distance, I slowly opened the Ol' Gas valve and equalized the pressure... I could tell right away... It was bad...

I watched in mortified horror as the cloud swept across the ground and towards my companions. "GO LEFT, GO RIGHT!" my brain screamed. "Don't let them know that I did that!" To my dismay, the cloud could not hear me or it simply did not care for my instructions. When it reached the two men,they stopped dead in their tracks. A strange look was on their faces as they looked around, smelling the air. Uncle Max, with a scowl, motioned me towards him. "Oh no!" I thought. "I've Ruined the hunt! I've "smelled" us all! They know what I did!" As I approached him, he had a grave look on his face. "AJ, do you know what that smell is?" He asked. His eyes, piercing through my skull. My nerves were shot. My heart was pounding. My brain had completely checked out. The child like nature still in me, managed to take the helm of my consciousness. "Noooooooo...." I said sheepishly. Uncle Max, eyes, Still fiery and focused. Stared at me and said.

"That smell... Is a DOE IN HEAT! SMELL HER?!" He whipped his head around and filled his nostrils with the scent, trying to pinpoint it's location. "It smells like she went this way Max!" Cried out Tom as he pointed more down wind. "We better hurry then!" Replied Uncle Max and the two old men took off with an energy seldom seen in old men. It was at this point I started to suspect that Uncle Max would stretch the truth about his hunting abilities....

We tracked my Fart for 8 miles that day and never once found the doe in heat....

-AJ

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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."