Burrhead
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3075
Loc: Just north of Bugtussle
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Somebody has to walk the point.
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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.......this heara thread? This ain't duck dynasty with a bunch of cohosts. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Quote:
Mel said:
.......this heara thread? This ain't duck dynasty with a bunch of cohosts.
Dammit! I've been waiting for a couple of you boys to fess up.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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IIFID
Bond....Timmy Bond
Reged: 12/15/05
Posts: 8075
Loc: Nipawin, Saskatchewan
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Puns for those with a slightly higher IQ:
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will?
(It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts.
In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you'll get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - taint yours and taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
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Thought for the day; “It’s impossible to think outside of the box when all you do is think about getting inside of the box.”
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A young man is taking his girlfriend to the prom.
He waits in a long line for the prom tickets but gets them.
He stands in line for an hour to rent the limo.
Even the florist is backed up but they have what he is looking for.
At the prom his date asked him to get her a glass of punch.
To his surprise, there is no punch line...
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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boo 
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God Bless our Troops!
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Burrhead
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3075
Loc: Just north of Bugtussle
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Somebody has to walk the point.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, 'Pierre, kiss me!'
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
'What are you doing, Pierre?' says the startled Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!'
She smiles and they start kissing.
Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.'
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts.
'Pierre! What are you doing now?' asks the bewildered Marie.
'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!'
She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude: and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me much lower!'
Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it on her. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously,
"PIERRE, WHAT THE "X?KS" DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"
Our 'hero' stands and says defiantly, 'I am Pierre, the French fighter pilot! If I go down.....I go down in flames!'
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Milt Famy was the greatest pitcher and some believed the greatest baseball player, period, who ever lived. He single-handedly pitched his team to the World Series, and they easily won the three games he was able to pitch in the Series. However, the other team won three games while Milt was resting. Now, in the 7th game of the World Series, Milt was again pitching.
The game was a 0-0 pitcher’s battle as Milt Famy walked out to the mound for the bottom of the 9th inning. Milt took the sign from the catcher, wound up and pitched. A ball. He quickly pitched three more balls and walked the first batter. A stir went through the crowd. Milt Famy rarely walked anyone, let alone on four pitches. The next batter came up, and Milt walked him on four pitches, too. Then two more batters. The game and the Series were lost! As the runner on third base crossed home plate with the winning run, he glanced out at the pitcher’s mound and saw a can of beer fall out the back pocket of Milt Famy’s uniform.
It was all too obvious what had happened. Milt Famy had been drinking between innings! The runner pointed to the beer and shouted out,
“That’s the beer that made Milt Famy walk us!”
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A man walks into a nearly empty bar and orders a drink. He’s sitting alone at the end of the bar, sipping away, and he hears a voice.
“Nice shirt.”
He looks around and sees no one nearby. He forgets about it and continues drinking.
“Nice tie,” the voice says again.
He looks around a second time. The bartender and all other customers are at the other side of the room. Confused, the man calls the bartender over and asks about the mysterious voice that admired his clothing.
“Oh, that’s the peanuts,” the bartender said.
“The peanuts?” asked the man.
“Yeah, they’re complimentary.”
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Bubba
strangesly aroused
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 3828
Loc: Lemmingstan
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Damn...
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God Bless our Troops!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Mama Vulture had a problem. Her beloved chick was constantly breaking her heart; getting into trouble. He would stray from the nest, fall in with a bad crowd of other avian ne’er-do-wells, and frequently need to be rescued by his mother, sometimes at great risk to herself. Her only pleasure in life was gathering food to nourish him. He was defiant and unappreciative of her efforts, often squawking and demanding, “Hey, you old buzzard! I’m starving! What’s for supper?” To which she would dutifully reply…
“Carrion, my wayward son.”
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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wuchang
spiritual advisor and gatekeeper to the Spirit World
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5281
Loc: uphill
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*******groan********** 
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JimDog
Freelance Gynecologist
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 208
Loc: Columbia
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I recently swallowed two pieces of string. They came out tied together after a couple of hours. Really! I chit you knot.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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My wife wants me to stop working on my flamingo impression.
I had to put my foot down.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Egypt is rebuilding the Suez canal to the tune of 8.5 billion.
Word is that they raised the money on a pyramid scheme.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Mel
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 6896
Loc: Excelsior Springs, MO
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More likely from China. They seem to own everything else. 
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Member DU, Delta
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names - John Kennedy
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A new term for certain jokes known as "Lesbionics"
1. What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet.
2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke.
3. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
A Fur Traders.
4. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung
5. What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.
6. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker; the other's a crack snacker.
7. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 govt workers?
100 people that don't do Dick.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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wuchang
spiritual advisor and gatekeeper to the Spirit World
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5281
Loc: uphill
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Quote:
SwampFox said:
7. What do you have when you've got 50 lesbians and 50 govt workers?
100 people that don't do Dick.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Ethridge.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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wuchang
spiritual advisor and gatekeeper to the Spirit World
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 5281
Loc: uphill
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********groan******** 
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Do you know why most people don't eat clocks?
It's time consuming.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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My wife threw a bottle of Omega 3 capsules at me.
It's OK though, I only have super fish oil injuries.
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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I once went out with a girl who had fiery red hair and a pale, thin body.
I met her on Match.com
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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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