fish
senior member - literally
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 2464
Loc: Kingdom of Callaway
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A Letter to Santa...
A small boy wrote a letter to Santa very ernestly requesting a baby brother for Christmas.
Santa wrote back and said "send me your mother"....
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Grab the kleenex......
********************************************** A Christmas Story
The old man sat in his gas station on a cold Christmas Eve. He hadn't been anywhere in years since his wife had passed away. He had no decorations, no tree, and no lights. It was just another day to him. He didn't hate Christmas, just couldn't find a reason to celebrate. There were no children in his life. His wife had gone.
He was sitting there looking at the snow that had been falling for the last hour and wondering what it was all about when the door opened and a homeless man stepped through. Instead of throwing the man out, George, Old George as he was known by his customers, told the man to come and sit by the space heater and warm-up.
"Thank you, but I don't mean to intrude," said the stranger. "I see you're busy. I'll just go" "Not without something hot in your belly," George turned and opened a wide mouth Thermos and handed it to the stranger. "It ain't much, but it's hot and tasty. Stew. Made it myself. When you're done there's coffee and it's fresh."
Just at that moment he heard the "ding" of the driveway bell. "Excuse me, be right back," George said. There in the driveway was an old 53 Chevy. Steam was rolling out of the front. The driver was panicked. "Mister can you help me!" said the driver with a deep Spanish accent. "My wife is with child and my car is broken." George opened the hood. It was bad. The block looked cracked from the cold; the car was dead. "You ain't going in this thing," George said as he turned away. "But mister. Please help...."The door of the office closed behind George as he went in. George went to the office wall and got the keys to his old truck, and went back outside. He walked around the building and opened the garage, started the truck and drove it around to where the couple was waiting. "Here, you can borrow my truck," he said. "She ain't the best thing you ever looked at, but she runs real good." George helped put the woman in the truck and watched as it sped off into the night.
George turned and walked back inside the office.
"Glad I loaned em the truck. Their tires were shot too. That ol? truck has brand new tires........" George thought he was talking to the stranger, but the man had gone. The thermos was on the desk, empty with a used coffee cup beside it. "Well, at least he got something in his belly," George thought.
George went back outside to see if the old Chevy would start. It cranked slowly, but it started. He pulled it into the garage where the truck had been. He thought he would tinker with it for something to do. Christmas Eve meant no customers. He discovered the block hadn't cracked; it was just the bottom hose on the radiator. "Well, I can fix this," he said to himself. So he put a new one on. "Those tires ain't gonna get 'em through the winter either." He took the snow treads off of his wife's old Lincoln. They were like new and he wasn't going to drive the car.
As he was working he heard a shot being fired. He ran outside and beside a police car an officer lay on the cold ground. Bleeding from the left shoulder, the officer moaned, "Help me." George helped the officer inside as he remembered the training he had received in the Army as a medic. He knew the wound needed attention. "Pressure to stop the bleeding," he thought. The laundry company had been there that morning and had left clean shop towels. He used those and duct tape to bind the wound. "Hey, they say duct tape can fix anythin'," he said, trying to make the policeman feel at ease. "Something for pain," George thought. All he had was the pills he used for his back. "These ought to work." He put some water in a cup and gave the policeman the pills. "You hang in there. I'm going to get you an ambulance." George said, but the phone was dead. "Maybe I can get one of your buddies on that there talk box out in your police car."
He went out only to find that a bullet had gone into the dashboard destroying the two-way radio. He went back in to find the policeman sitting up. "Thanks," said the officer. "You could have left me there. The guy that shot me is still in the area." George sat down beside him. "I would never leave an injured man in the Army and I ain't gonna leave you." George pulled back the bandage to check for bleeding. "Looks worse than what it is. Bullet passed right through 'ya. Good thing it missed the important stuff though. I think with time your gonna be right as rain."
George got up and poured a cup of coffee. "How do you take it?" he asked. "None for me," said the officer. "Oh, yer gonna drink this. Best in the city." Then George added: "Too bad I ain't got no donuts." The officer laughed and winced at the same time. The front door of the office flew open. In burst a young man with a gun.
"Give me all your cash! Do it now!" the young man yelled. His hand was shaking and George could tell that he had never done anything like this before. "That's the guy that shot me!" exclaimed the officer. "Son, why are you doing this?" asked George. "You need to put the cannon away. Somebody else might get hurt." The young man was confused. "Shut up old man, or I'll shoot you, too. Now give me the cash!" The cop was reaching for his gun. "Put that thing away," George said to the cop. "We got one too many in here now." He turned his attention to the young man. "Son, it's Christmas Eve. If you need the money, well then, here. It ain't much but it's all I got. Now put that pee shooter away."
George pulled $150 out of his pocket and handed it to the young man, reaching for the barrel of the gun at the same time. The young man released his grip on the gun, fell to his knees and began to cry. "I'm not very good at this am I? All I wanted was to buy something for my wife and son," he went on. "I've lost my job. My rent is due. My car got repossessed last week." George handed the gun to the cop. "Son, we all get in a bit of squeeze now and then. The road gets hard sometimes, but we make it through the best we can."
He got the young man to his feet, and sat him down on a chair across from the cop. "Sometimes we do stupid things." George handed the young man a cup of coffee. "Being stupid is one of the things that makes us human. Comin' in here with a gun ain't the answer. Now sit there and get warm and we'll sort this thing out." The young man had stopped crying. He looked over to the cop. "Sorry I shot you. It just went off. I'm sorry officer." "Shut up and drink your coffee,? the cop said.
George could hear the sounds of sirens outside. A police car and an ambulance skidded to a halt. Two cops came through the door, guns drawn. "Chuck! You ok?" one of the cops asked the wounded officer. "Not bad for a guy who took a bullet. How did you find me?" "GPS locator in the car. Best thing since sliced bread. Who did this?" the other cop asked as he approached the young man. Chuck answered him, "I don't know. The guy ran off into the dark. Just dropped his gun and ran."
George and the young man both looked puzzled at each other. "Who?s the young fellow?? one of the cops asked. ?I don?t remember him around here before?. Thinking quickly George responded, "Just hired him this morning?. Boy lost his job." The paramedics came in and loaded Chuck onto the stretcher. The young man leaned over the wounded cop and whispered, "Why?" Chuck just said, "Merry Christmas, boy. And you too, George, and thanks for everything."
"Well, looks like you got one doozy of a break there. That ought to solve some of your problems." George went into the back room and came out with a box. He pulled out a ring box. "Here you go. Something for the little woman. I don't think Martha would mind. She said it would come in handy some day." The young man looked inside to see the biggest diamond ring he ever saw. "I can't take this," said the young man. It means something to you." And now it means something to you," replied George. I got my memories. That's all I need." George reached into the box again. A toy airplane, a racing car and a little metal truck appeared next. They were toys that the oil company had left for him to sell. "Here's something for that little man of yours." The young man began to cry again as he handed back the $150 that the old man had handed him earlier. "And what are you supposed to buy Christmas dinner with? You keep that, too. Count it as part of your first week's pay." George said. Now git home to your family." The young man turned with tears streaming down his face. I'll be here in the morning for work, if that job offer is still good." "Nope. I'm closed Christmas day," George said. "See ya the day after." George turned around to find that the stranger had returned.
"Where'd you come from? I thought you left?" "I have been here. I have always been here," said the stranger. "You say you don't celebrate Christmas. Why?" "Well, after my wife passed away I just couldn't see what all the bother was. Puttin' up a tree and all seemed a waste of a good pine tree. Bakin' cookies like I used to with Martha just wasn't the same by myself and besides I was getting a little chubby." The stranger put his hand on George's shoulder. "But you do celebrate the holiday, George. You gave me food and drink and warmed me when I was cold and hungry. The woman with child will bear a son and he will become a great doctor. The policeman you helped will go on to save 19 people from being killed by terrorists. The young man who tried to rob you will become a rich man and share his wealth with many people. That is the spirit of the season and you keep it as good as any man." George was taken aback by all this stranger had said. "And how do you know all this?" asked the old man.
"Trust me, George. I have the inside track on this sort of thing. And when your days are done you will be with Martha again." The stranger moved toward the door. "If you will excuse me, George, I have to go now. I have to go home where there is a big celebration planned."
George watched as the man's old leather jacket and his torn pants turned into a white robe. A golden light began to fill the room.
"You see, George, it's my birthday. Merry Christmas."
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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BruceCarp
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 802
Loc: central MO
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not a joke but definitely excellent!
-------------------- crappie fisherman & waterfowl hunter
retired Army
But wait a minute I think I have another bite!!!!
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A Dogs Rules For Christmas
1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.
2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.
3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.
4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:
a. Don't pee on the tree
b. Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree
c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree
d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open
e. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree
5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part:
a. Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans
b. Don't eat off the buffet table
c. Beg for goodies subtly
d. Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa
e. Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach
6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important:
a. Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important)
b. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house
c. Tolerate children
d. Turn on your charm big time
7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DO NOT BITE HIM!!
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
Edited by SwampFox (11/20/06 03:01 PM)
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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'Twas The (Politically Correct) Night Before Christmas 'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck... How to live in a world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to "Elves". "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves. And labor conditions at the north pole Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clear That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. And people had started to call for the cops When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened. His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life, Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion That making a choice could cause so much commotion. Nothing of leather, nothing of fur, Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt; Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe; And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed; He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, you've got to be careful with that word today. His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without angering the left or the right. A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere...even you. So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth... "May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.
Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.
Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God: I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Leroy
Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God: This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Leroy
Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God: I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Leroy
Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote another letter.
LETTER 4:
Dear God: I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday. Thank you, Leroy
Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.
Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write his letter to God.
LETTER 5: I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE. Signed, YOU KNOW WHO.
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Christmas With Louise
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.
If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.
We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door.
"What the hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth r esuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.
Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.
Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.
Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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With the number of airline disasters lately, the FAA now sends an inspector to the North Pole to check out Santa Claus's sleigh before allowing him to fly on Christmas eve.
The inspector arrives and checks the reindeer and they look good, he checks the harness and it looks okay, he checks the sleigh and it is also okay. Then he says, "Santa, lets take it up for a check ride and if everything looks good I'll certify you to fly."
Santa hitches the reindeer up and taxis onto the runway and just as he's starting his takeoff roll he looks over and notices the inspector has a pump shotgun on his lap.
"Hey! What's the shotgun for!?" Santa yells.
The inspector says, "Well, Santa, I'm really not supposed to tell you this, but there is going to be an engine failure on takeoff."
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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My dear friends and loved ones,
Some what embarrassing to admit, I'm not getting an annual bonus and Christmas is tight this year. I will be making bedroom slippers for you all as gifts. Please let me know your sizes. You'll most likely agree that it's a splendid idea, and should you wish to do the same, I've included the instructions below:
How to make bedroom slippers: You need four maxi pads to make a pair. Two of them get laid out flat, for the foot part. The other two wrap around the toe area to form the top. Tape or glue each side of the top pieces to the bottom of the foot part. Decorate the tops with whatever you desire, silk flowers (this is most aesthetically appealing), etc.
These slippers are:* Soft and Hygienic
* Non-slip grip strips on the soles
* Built in deodorant feature keeps feet smelling fresh
* No more bending over to mop up spills
* Disposable and biodegradable
* Environmentally safe
* Three convenient sizes: Regular, Light and Get out the Sand Bags.
I've attached a photo of the first pair I made so that you can see the nifty slippers for yourself.... Awaiting your response. It's crucial that I get the right size for each one of you.
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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[image]http://[/image]
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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Original_Al
member
Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 786
Loc: Most dangerous city in America
Current High Scores in:
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Not PC, but pretty damn funny
NYPD a Christmas Story
Twas the night before kwanzaa, and all through the slum,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a bum.
The children had braided their cornrows with care,
In the hope that Saint Sharpton would soon be there.
The Crips and the Bloods made their holiday peace;
The protesters protested: "F--k tha police!"
The Jews and Koreans hid under their beds,
While visions of rioters danced in their heads.
In a crackhouse some pipeheads were lighting a rock,
When all of a sudden there arose a loud knock.
And what to their wondering eyes did appear,
But New Yorks Finest, in full riot gear!
Boards fell from the window and crashed to the floor,
One landed in front of a twelve-year old whore.
The cops went to work with their nghtsticks in hand,
Swinging at skulls as the Africans ran.
A beating ensued as they tried to escape,
But nobody got it on videotape.
A greeting was heard as they managed to flee:
"Merry Christmas, you F--ks, from the N.Y.P.D.!"
Here's a different version for the military folks
'Twas the night before Ramadan, and all through the mud hut,
Not a creature was stirring, not even that mutt.
The insurgents had hung up their AKs with care,
In the hope that Bin Laden soon would be there.
The Sunni and the Shi'a made their holiday peace;
The protesters protested: "F--k tha police!"
The mullahs were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of jihad danced in their heads.
In a safehouse Al Qaeda was building IEDs and grenades,
When all of a sudden there was a series of raids.
And what to their wondering eyes did appear,
But a platoon of MPs, in full riot gear!
With M4s and pistols, zip-ties and shotgun,
The squads burst through the doors at a run.
The MPs went to work with their weapons in hand,
Shooting the terrorists center mass as they ran.
A beating ensued as they tried to escape,
But nobody got it on videotape.
A greeting was heard as they tried vainly to flee:
"Merry Christmas, you F--ks, from the U.S. Army MPs!"
-------------------- I Ain't Gone To Bed With No Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards... She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" The clerk says, "What denomination?" The blonde says, "God help us! Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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What Would Happen If Jesus Were Born In U.S. Today?
Infant Discovered In Barn, Child Protective Services Launch Probe
Nazareth Carpenter Being Held On Charges Involving Underage Mother
12/14/06 --"Information Clearing House" - Bethlehem, Judea - Authorities were today alerted by a concerned citizen who noticed a family living in a barn. Upon arrival, Family Protective Service personnel, accompanied by police, took into protective care an infant child named Jesus, who had been wrapped in strips of cloth and placed in a feeding trough by his 14-year old mother, Mary of Nazareth.
During the confrontation, a man identified as Joseph, also of Nazareth, attempted to stop the social workers. Joseph, aided by several local shepherds and some unidentified foreigners, tried to forestall efforts to take the child, but were restrained by the police.
At one point Joseph became confrontational and delusional claiming the child was "God's child". An officer, who used a Tazer device on Joseph, stated,"The man became uncooperative. We feared for his own safety and that of the child so we used a non-lethal weapon and restrained him in handcuffs. This was the same man I detained earlier for attempting to take a donkey on a public highway. At that time he incredibly claimed a 'common right to his conveyance of choice on a public highway' explaining that his donkey only used the grassy portion and was nointerference to the faster vehicles.
He showed no identification, said he had no job and claimed to not have a social security number-laughing and uttering some non-sense that it was the 'mark of the beast'. He was cooperative at that time so I let him go with a highway warning and a charge of vagrancy. It's a trend with these types of people: We find that they start in minor trouble like traffic incidents and graduate to more acts of civil disobedience. Eventually they cross-over and break one of the many many laws of and for government. Still, I can't understand why he became uncooperative to the point that we had to use non-lethal force-after all we're just doing the job of the 'consent of the governed'. Don't these people understand that they must submit to authority that is in their best interests?"
Also being held for questioning are three foreigners who incredibly allege to be "wise men" from an eastern country. The INS and Homeland Security officials are seeking information about these who may be in the country illegally. A source with the INS states that they had no passports, but were in possession of gold and other possibly illegal substances. They resisted arrest saying that they had been warned by God to avoid officials in Jerusalem and to return quickly to their own country. The chemical substances in their possession will be tested. An officer at the scene said the suspicious enclosures for the chemical substances might constitute "drug paraphernalia". The agent for Homeland Security stated that he contacted the IRS under the suspicion that this gold might be linked to a foreign trust method of "under-reporting income".
An agent commented: "The presence of paraphernalia, chemical substances, gold, and foreign people without passports is certainly suspicious. Terrorists are known to fund terrorism activities through illegal drug trading. Or these could be part of an illegal-alien smuggling ring from Mexico. In either case the claim that these three are Kings is unsubstantiated as they are not diplomats registered with the Department of State."
The owner of the barn is also being held for questioning. The manager of Bethlehem Inn faces possible revocation of his license for violating health and safety regulations by allowing people to stay in the stable. Civil authorities are also investigating the zoning violations involved in maintaining livestock in a commercially-zoned district. The owner of the barn claimed he provided the lodging free hence the guests did not need to register.
He was noted to exclaim, "For heaven's sake, its Jesus! Can't we forego government intrusion into our lives for the Christ-child celebration?" Authorities were not amused and demanded his identification and his Inn lodging and restaurant board-of-health certification.
The location of the minor child will not be released, and the prospect for a quick resolution to this case is doubtful. Asked about when Jesus would be returned to his mother, a Child Protective Service spokesperson said, "The father is middle-aged and the mother definitely underage. This is suspicious behavior worthy of investigation." When asked who these people were and where they were from, the spokesman replied: "Both parents refuse to provide identification. Both claim no social security number and provided no marriage license.
The father claims a license from heaven as a common-law right. They have no birth certificate for the baby Jesus. In this sense they are deemed uncooperative by us and are probably members of some anti-government common-law movement group. I simply can't imagine why parents would not want to register the birth and citizenship of a baby such as Jesus!
In America everybody does this--it's for the welfare of the child. Why would they not want to register that baby Jesus as a UNITED STATES CITIZEN and hence leave his real citizenship in question? If they are not hiding something, what do they have to fear?
I tried to reason with the father. I asked the father the question as to why he never applied for baby Jesus' social security number explaining that Jesus could have earning's credit's and receive retirement benefits. The father uttered total non-sense about 'rendering unto Caesar', more religious 'mark-of-the-beast' dogma, and retirement in God's kingdom.
Frankly I'm flabbergasted by these types of people. It's a trend we wish to stop. They never volunteer and this we view as uncooperative behavior. They never apply for social security numbers, they never register the birth of their children, they refuse to register to vote for our two parties, they don't show us identification when we ask 'for their papers" kindly, they refuse to send their children to public education under a homeschool banner, they claim adherence to God's law and not man's, they claim government harassment as the reason they must be transients, and they protest filling-out voluntary-compliance government forms. Frankly, these types of anti-government people are always uncooperative. We are checking with officials in Nazareth to determine what the legal relationship is between father, mother and baby."
Joseph has admitted taking Mary from her home in Nazareth because of a census requirement. However, because she was obviously pregnant when they left, investigators are looking into other reasons for their departure. Joseph is being held without bond on charges of molestation, kidnapping, child endangerment, and statutory rape.
The local prosecutor had this to say: "I feel confident that this man is either suffering from a psychological problem or is hiding his uncooperative, anti-social and anti-government viewpoints under the disguise of religious dogma. Everybody is entitled to a viewpoint but the defining line is statutory criminal activity and possible terrorist threats. We will weigh the evidence collected and then decide the extent of the charges and whether to prosecute."
A spokesman for the court said this: "We always consider the welfare of people first. If this case is brought to trial we will judge it on the basis of social welfare for the child and criminal activity in violation of law for government. If brought to trial they will be allowed court-determined due process before a jury of their peers to present factual evidence on their behalf. Rest assured, they will NOT be permitted to express their view of the law to the jury-even though they claim to operate under God's law and not man's. This could 'unduly influence' the jury.
They will be appointed an attorney free of charge as attorneys are always for incompetents only. Rest assured that even though our incarceration rate is the highest in the world, the People still claim our courts and judges are the fairest in the world. We respect their religious viewpoints however, they will be judged and prosecuted to the full extent of our government statutory law and we will not allow their religious viewpoints to interfere with our government statutory law in the administration of our justice."
Mary was taken to the Bethlehem General Hospital where she is being examined by doctors. Charges may also be filed against her for endangerment. She will also undergo psychiatric evaluation because of her claim that she is a virgin and that the child is from God.
The director of the psychiatric wing said, "I don't profess to have the right to tell people what to believe, but when their beliefs adversely affect the safety and well-being of others - in this case her child - we must consider her a danger to others. The unidentified drugs at the scene didn't help her case, but I'm confidant that with the proper therapy regimen we can get her back on her feet."
A spokesperson for the governor's office said, "Who knows what was going through their heads? But regardless, their treatment of the child was inexcusable, and the involvement of these others frightening. There is much we don't know about this case, but for the sake of the child and the public, you can be assured that we will pursue this matter to the end."
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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RafeHollister
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Reged: 12/14/05
Posts: 672
Loc: Webb City, MO
Current High Scores in:
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Dear Santa Claus,
It has been brought to my attention by one of our operatives that you have secured for yourself, and your interests, a very lucrative position in the toy and game industry. Normally, my associates and I would not be involved in self-exploitation schemes such as yours. However, it is quite clear to us that you have over-stepped your bounds and have come into my family's territories. That I cannot let you do.
Mr. Claus, we've known each other for many years, and we have no problem with your operations in the North Pole. But my Consigliore tells me that you have expanded your deliveries to the entire south side, most of the north side, and everywhere but the Jewish neighborhoods.
I understand, Mr. Kringle, that you and I share many interests. We both make lists. We both know who's been naughty and who's been nice. Have I mentioned that red is also my favorite color? This year when you make your rounds, I hope you'll take time stop by the house for a cup of coffee and some cookies, so that we can discuss an offer I know you can't refuse. I know how much you like cookies. I am sure you will do this thing I ask out of respect, but I would be remiss if I did not remind you of the tragic demise of our mutual friend and confidant, Frosty T. Snowman. I regret that it was necessary to teach Frosty a lesson.
Sincerely, and with warmest wishes for you and the lovely Mrs. Claus,
Vittorio Corleone
P.S. It would be most unfortunate for you to wake up one morning to find the heads of eight tiny reindeer in bed with you. I am sure you are a reasonable man, and this will not be necessary.
-------------------- Both how I'm livin' and my nose is large.
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Politically Correct "Night Before Christmas"
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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A young man called Ron wanted to buy his new girlfriend's Christmas present. As they hadn't been seeing each other for very long, he decided after careful consideration, that a pair of gloves would strike the right note; not too romantic and not too personal.
He went with his girlfriends sister to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white fur lined gloves. The sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.
During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers. Without checking, Ron sealed the package and sent it to his new girlfriend with the following letter:
"Dear Sasha,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones which are easier to remove.
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that the pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and shiny, In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing, Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love,
Ron.
P.S.The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing."
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Then there's this old classic.....
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house The whole damn family was drunk as a louse.
Grandma and grandpa were singing a song, And the kid was in bed, flogging his dong.
Ma home from the cat house and I out of jail Had just settled down for a good piece of tail.
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter I jumped off ma, to see what was the matter.
Away to the window, I made my mad dash. Threw open the window and fell out on my ass.
And what to my bloodshot eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and dozen reindeer.
With a little old driver, holding his dick. I knew in a moment, that bastard was Nick.
Slower than snails, his chargers they came. He bitched and he swore as he called them by name.
"On Dancer, on Prancer, up over the walls. Quick now, damn it, or I'll cut off your balls!"
Up on the roof he stumbled and fell And came down the chimney like a bat out of hell.
He filled all our stockings with pretzels and beer And a big rubber dick for my brother, the queer.
He rose from the chimney with a thunderous fart, Boarded his sleigh and readied to part.
I heard him exclaim, as he rode out of sight. "Piss on you all, it's a hell of a night!"
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED
* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
* 5. Manic - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells , Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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SwampFox
member
Reged: 12/13/05
Posts: 7973
Loc: Mid Mo
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Video: Balloon Dance
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
Edited by SwampFox (12/22/06 09:12 PM)
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