Or maybe this one from Daniel Kurtzman:
Denver, CO - As the Democratic Party engages in its quadrennial exercise in futility, here's a look at the surprises they have in store to win voters' hearts and minds.
4:00 PM - Opening Flag Burning Ceremony
4:05 PM - Singing of "God Damn America" led by Rev. Jeremiah Wright
4:10 PM - Pledge of Allegiance to Obama
4:15 PM - Ceremonial Terrorist Fist-Jab led by Michelle Obama
4:20 PM - Tips on Dodging Sniper Fire - Hillary Clinton
4:30 PM - Jesse Jackson Leads Castrati Choir in Singing "Great Balls of Fire"
4:45 PM - UFO Abduction Survival Tips - Dennis Kucinich
5:00 PM - John Edwards Speaks on "Family Values" via Satellite from Hotel Bathroom
5:30 PM - Eliot Spitzer Speaks on "Family Values" via Satellite from Emperors VIP Club
6:00 PM - Joe Biden Delivers 100,000-Word Acceptance Speech Featuring a 23-Minute Question and Two-Hour Answer
8:30 PM - Airing of Grievances by the Clintons
8:45 PM - Hillary Clinton Releases Her Delegates and Flying Monkeys
9:00 PM - Bill Clinton Delivers Rousing Endorsement of Obama Girl
9:15 PM - Tribute Film to Freedom Fighters at Gitmo - Michael Moore
9:30 PM - Exclusive Panties-Optional Celebrity Party Hosted by Paris Hilton and Britney Spears
9:45 PM - Personal Finance Seminar - Congressman William "Cold Cash" Jefferson
10:00 PM - Ceremonial Denunciation of Bitter and Clingy Gun Owners
10:30 PM - Ceremonial Denial of Progress in Iraq and Waving of White Flag
11:00 PM - Obama Energy Plan Symposium/Tire Gauge Demonstration
11:15 PM - Free Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick Pep Rally
11:30 PM - Al Gore Accepts Tony and Latin Grammy Awards
11:45 PM - Feeding of the Delegates with 5 Loaves and 2 Fish - Obama Presiding
12:00 AM - Official Nomination of Obama via Text Message Sent by Scarlett Johansson
12:01 AM - Barack Obama Accepts Nomination for Lord and Savior
12:05 AM - Celestial Choirs Sing
3:00 AM - Hillary Clinton Delivers Acceptance Speech
*******************
Republican Convention Schedule:
7:00 pm - Ceremonial burning of the U.S. Constitution
7:15 pm - Spiritual Medium Sylvia Browne performs psychic séance in desperate attempt to raise Ronald Reagan from the grave
7:35 pm - "The Pleasures of Adultery" - with Newt Gingrich & Rudy Giuliani
8:05 pm - Gay sex party in Men's Restroom hosted by Senator Larry Craig
8:35 pm - Transvestite Ann Coulter - "My Life as a Man"
8:55 pm - Live satellite feed from Federal Prison - Ohio Rep. Bob Ney
9:05 pm - Guest speaker ex-Florida Congressman Mark Foley " Joys with Young Boys"
9:25 pm - Oliver North - "Iran is Evil, but I sold them weapons anyway"
9:40 pm - Bill O' Reilly - "The costs of sexual harassment and phone sex with employees"
10:00 pm - Gay sex party in Men's Room hosted by Ken Mehlman and Geraldo Rivera
10:25 pm - Check John McCain to see if he's still breathing and if his adult diaper needs changed.
10:35 pm - N.R.A. President hosts an assault rifle target practice on Gays and Mexicans.
10:45 pm - Call emergency squad after a drunken Dick Cheney accidentally shoots his friend in the face.
11:00 pm - President Bush performs his hilarious comedy routine where he looks for Iraq's fictitious WMD's under guests tables.
11:15 pm - Governor Mike Huckabee does his famous uncanny imitation of Gomer Pyle.
11:20 pm - Group intervention to get Rush Limbaugh back into drug rehab
11: 45 pm - Go up on rooftop and throw rocks down at homeless Vets sleeping in alley.
12:00 am - Live satellite feed from Federal Prison - California Congressman Randy "Duke" Cunningham
12:20 am - Convicted felon/Fox News analyst G. Gordon Liddy - Lock picking secrets
12: 40 am - Guest speakers Donald Rumsfeld and Paul Wolfowitz - "How to lie your Country into a War"
1:00 am - Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay - "Tips on Money Laundering"
1:15 am - Hookers arrive for after party
-------------------- "Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."
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