Cafeoutdoors.com: Flatulence And Other Bottom Of The Pyle Stuff

Here's the classic Griffin story that I'll call, as he did...

My Finest Hour

For about 6 years I hunted the same place almost daily. It was in the late 80's so there was only 30 days anyway. I hunted with the same guys day after day, 4 of us.

Usually I'd show up from just getting off work or just getting home from being out drinking.....so someone else drove and I slept the 2 hours it took to get to this particular spot.

When we got there, religiously, I'd take a nice healthy chit in the ditch next to where we parked. There was a Johhny on the Spot there...but I always like to just chit in the grass when I'm hunting.

After shitting, I'd get my hunting gear on and then join the boys for the mile walk down the levee and then the 1/4 mile waist deep wade out to where we liked to hunt.

One day, even after I stood waiting for it to happen, I didn't have to chit. The boys were antsy because it was cold as hell and the wind was howling out of the North.....it was gonna be a good day.

I didn't figure to make them wait anymore so I got dressed and off we went.....I felt good.

We waded out to our spot, set up the decoys, and I settled in with the first cigarette of the morning. I smoked back then.....and I miss it now....but I quit 6 years ago after my 1 year old son padded up to me with a butt in his mouth. Right then I figured fork this....he ain't learning it from me....and never smoked again.....but I digress.

As I stood there enjoying that cigarette and the quiet of the dark morning I felt the first rumble.....DAMN!

I waited a minute and sure enough....I've got to chit. Standing in waist deep water ain't conducive to a comfortable chit.....so I told my buds, "I'll be right back"...and headed for the levee.

I guess I'd made it about 100 yards or so....maybe 1/4 of the way....when I realized that I wasn't going to make it. I was already at the point where I was having to stop every 20 steps or so and take a deep breath, pinch my ass cheeks together, and wait for the cramp to pass......and I was beginning to panic.

I was shining my flashlight back and forth looking for ANYTHING that I could crawl up on and chit.....and then I saw it...about 40 or 5o yards away. A big old tree was laying on it's side.....a log really.....it hadn't been a tree for quite some time....but it was big enough to get up on and chit. So I headed for it.

I was taking small steps and having to stop and pinch and after about 30 or so yards the sweat was beading up on my forehead and I was in dire straights. I guess I got within about 20 feet of that big ass log when I felt a huge wave coming on from my bowels. I stopped and fought it for all I was worth.....but I was not man enough....and I chit in my pants.....now once it started, it felt so good, I just went with it. I mean, fork it, you might as well just go at this point....and go I did!!! Hell.... I filled my underwear and then felt it run down my right leg as I just stood there shitting....and it felt good!!!

Once I was done....admittedly...I was a damn mess. I had no idea what I was going to do but I waded over to that log and crawled up on it.

There really wasn't much I could do at that point so I figured I'd strip down and use my undershirt to clean myself off. Now it ain't easy taking all your clothes off on top of a log....but it was about 2 foot wide and provided ample room to get the job done.....but I still had to be careful.

I can tell you that chit had run all the way down to the top of my sock on my leg. It had filled my underwear and then ran down my long underwear and just soaked me and my jeans and covered me in chit.

I got my waders off and then took off my pants and long underwear and threw both of them in the damn water. My right sock had to go as well.

Then I took off my jacket and the couple layers I had on and got to my long undershirt...which I peeled off and tore into strips and began to clean my ass off.

Now there I stood, naked from the waist down, except for the left white cotton sock, and a white t-shirt on my upper body. I was cold....but it felt kinda good since I had been sweating so much trying not to chit.

So I'm dipping the shirt in the water and wiping the chit from my ass and leg when I catch the first ray of light cutting across the marsh.....and I watch it as it searches back and forth...and then I hear the voices...and hear the splashing of them men behind the voices in the water....and I begin to panic again!!!!

Unfortunately.....as I'm sure you have figured...there ain't no place to run and hide when you are standing naked on a log in 30 degree weather on top of 3 feet of water....so I did what any scared animal does....I froze where I stood and waited to see what would happen next.

And it was the worst.

The light got closer and the voices got louder until I could plainly hear one of the forkers say, "I know that log is right up ahead". The light was panning back and forth and on about the fourth pass it stopped right on my naked ass. And then the splashing stopped.....and then one of them said...."GODDAMN!!!!!...are you alright???"

"DO I forking LOOK LIKE I'M ALRIGHT????? GET THE forking LIGHT OFF OF ME!!!"

"I chit my pants"

The next sound I heard was basically....BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA X about 1,000,000.

Those forkers laughed at me for about 10 minutes it seemed. I just kept on cleaning and eventually put my waders back on and walked on by them. I was not sheepish......fork 'em....as I have said....I'm a man....at times I chit my pants.

I hunted the rest of the morning....luckily it was a fast shoot....most were at a two mallard limit.

I rode home with my waders on....and my buds laughed at me the whole way as I pounded beers and laughed with 'em.

It was my finest hour.

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"Being deeply learned and skilled, being well trained and using well spoken words; this is good luck."

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